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Sometimes, I don't really get the point of living and doing stuff for those things you want, and then end up not really getting even one of them. It seems like God's taking the time of His life (like, what the hell for an immortal) gambling our lives, and off we go weeping through them consequences. Okay, so I don't really mean that. I was rejected, like, again. (This is a private matter only a number of people can relate to. So, yeah. Yours truly got rejected again. For the...what...bazillionth time? Oh yeah, I've lost count.)

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Seriously, for reasons unknown, I can smell my 17th birthday that is 15 days far from today. Nobody's giving me hints or anything. Not even my mom who incidentally just adores mentioning my birthday again and again when the event's nearing. What a weird surprise.

I've said this before, and now, I'm gonna say it again: I don't wanna get old. When I was still a kid, I would pray to God to just turn me into a 20-something year-old because I think I'm a trashy lady trapped inside a girl's body. Kinda like that girl in 13 going on 30, except that the setting is in the 90's and I'm 100 pounds heavier. Getting old just means more responsibilities I'm swearing that I don't want to do. Like being less juvenile, or simply quitting the kiddie stuff. God, it's like taking out the fun out of my life. No more Dora, no more Dora.

Over my teenage years, I've proven that getting a year older is the worst birthday gift I've been receiving all my life. I know it's kinda cynical and dumb to try to defy my own birthday and the sadness it would bring, but what the hell. It's all I can do to prevent the usual catharsis I would experience during this time of the year. I mean, ever since Dad's presence during our birthdays was killed by overseas working, I've lost taste of my own. Birthdays had simply lost their meaning, whatever the fuck that meaning is. I doubt that birthdays even have meanings, because they ruin everything.

Maan, I hate birthdays.

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It took me barely a month to recover my old self. And by old self, I mean my personality that's been seriously suffering from sarcasma and arrogance long enough. It seems that when I'm torn between two anything, I'm boring and very very reserved. As if the former isn't obvious even when I'm no torn-ass.

I was torn between two famous universities I applied for my collegiate education. For the whole month of April, I didn't belong anywhere. It's either this particular school, or that. People would ask me where I would go, and I'll just stare at them with my empty eyes and mumble 'wherever'. I have this strange habit of ignoring major problems like such, and just turn to the external problems instead. Like for our thesis defense - I was worrying of what the panelists would think of the food we presented to them, not the presentation of our thesis per se. When we were already defending our thesis, my eyes are directed not to the teacher panelist who asked us a question, but to the student panelist who's starting to munch on the pasta I bought. Is the pasta good? Does it have E. Coli? Oh my God, what if it has E. Coli? I don't want to fail Research, for Christ's sake. Don't eat it! Don't eat it! It has E.Coli in it! What a fucking cynic.

And yeah, now I've decided - DLSU Manila it is. I mean, look at the bright side. It's far from our house, I have many many friends there, and and...oh what the hell. There are far more bad things that I'd have to cope with than the good things. That's what probably deciding to study there makes a very good decision. It could be some reverse psychology bullshit.

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Boy, if I had a penny for every time I would blurt out my course ever since 'where-are-you-going-for-college' fever started, I'd be so damned rich I wouldn't have to go to college anymore. Of course I'm fucking exaggerating. This blog would DIE if exaggeration is not applied. But you have to get my point by now. It's really getting all tiring, really. It makes me feel resentful towards the course I picked over those others that are more intricate and that would leave a better impression of myself to other people.

GAH.

I went to a nearby notary public to have this non-fraternity contract notarized as a prerequisite for my admission in DLSU a while ago. With how the secretary's eyes jumped when she saw the header of the contract, I can tell that she's new or something. After stamping the contract with the lawyer's name and other information, she looked up to me and asked:

S: 'Anong course mo?' (What's your course?)
Me: 'Um. Computer Engineering po.'
S: 'Sa AMA ka magcocollege? Di ka ba nakapasa sa ibang college?'(Are you going to AMA for college? Didn't you pass to other colleges?)
Me: *Taken seriously aback* Uh..sa La Salle po ako magcocollege..(I'm going to La Salle for college.)
S: 'Di nga?' (Really?)

I mean, WTF, lady. Isn't the bold header of the contract enough to give you information about my collegiate education? I've never felt so insulted in my life. I just gaped at her, wanting to rip her face off like a crisp brown paper filled with love scribbles from past love affairs I do not wish to reminisce.

Sometimes, I feel so awfully guilty when I get mad at imbecile people. But what the hell. Stupidity is a CHOICE. You can either make your brain work, or nothing. Nobody's even obtuse, for Christ's sake. So don't you really dare tell me that asininity's some inborn crap I have to deal with if I still want to live. What, you gonna kill me? Oh please. I'm pleading you to do so.

Ah, madness.