Monday, August 17, 2015


It's 13 minutes past 12 midnight, and I'm supposed to be sleeping right now in order to look presentable for my first day at my new work tomorrow. But obviously, I have chosen to look like shit for my new coworkers because once again, I am letting my emotions get so way ahead of the reasonable things in my life. I can just pop a message to my ex boyfriend turned best friend about my woes again, but that is exactly why I am here - to stop popping him a message.

We broke up last January after three years of being together because at that time, I felt that he wasn't enough for me. It always felt like I deserved someone better, superficially speaking. My decision was not made wholeheartedly. My brain kept on pouncing that I will regret every bit of that action, and true enough today, I do. I am still on the process of forgiving myself; I don't know if I will truly be 100% someday, but I'm working on it. Little by little.

The difficult thing about forming a deep friendship from a relationship is extracting the feelings from what you have now, burn it all to ashes, and pretend like nothing really happened. Memories of yesterday may be brought up every now and then but to hope that they can be recreated again someday is taboo. I mean, after all. the friendship is all that matters, right? That you two still care for each other but not in the romantic sense anymore. You can go out as best friends, share the same jokes.. pretty much do all the same stuff you used to do, except for holding hands and kissing/hugging with feelings. Lots of feelings.

I have a very high threshold for pain. I can take a hundred vaccine shots a day and still have the courage to get a tattoo on my whole back. But extracting the love out has been immensely painful. I haven't fully extracted it, but given the fact that the other party is not interested in returning those feelings anymore, I really don't have much of a choice but to continue removing it all out of my system. How is it done, actually? Is there some sort of a process I can undergo which can make it all painless and quicker to finish?

I wish I could just forget everything about you when I wake up later. This pain is just so surreal.

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

The Good Old Friend

Well isn't this just.. awkward.

Immensely, intensely, severely.. awkward.

The awkwardness is similar to that feeling of catching up with a very good friend from high school that you completely ignored for 7 years - you would always see him but you would always pass up on the chance to talk again because everything's just too weird. He makes you cringe like crazy - heck, the mere thought of him makes you want to hurl.

But for some miraculous reason of some sort, here you are, staring in front of him, wanting to tell everything. Every bit of thing he missed for 7 years. The stupidities, the heartaches, and the accomplishments.

He has greatly changed; sporting the whole clean and professional look that most people prefer nowadays. In fact, he made it so much simpler for people to share to him as he is now more approachable and available. However, his lack of congeniality in the past was not the reason you turned your back from him. You impulsively placed him in a box full of things and people you have naturally outgrown from. Sadly, you were fully aware of your impulsiveness, but you made no effort to pull him out again.

Until today.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Sige, okay lang
Sige, okay lang na maging kayo
Sige, okay lang na hanggang dito na lang tayo
Una'y nagligawan ng napakatagal
Yung tipong gabi-gabi'y dinarasal
Na sana'y ikaw ay wag lumisan
Ngayon akin ay pinagsisisihan

Sige, okay lang
Sige, okay lang na di mo na malaman
Malaman na mas higit pa sa pagkakaibigan
Ang pagmamahal na sayo'y aking nararamdaman
Sadyang malungkot ang handog ng ating tadhana
Kasiyahang mauuwi lang pala sa wala

Sana'y balang araw ay iyong matanto
Na ako pala'y naghintay dito
Naghintay na ikaw ay magtapat
Magtapat ng isang pagmamahalang dapat
Hayaan mong ngayon ako'y magliwaliw
Kaysa naman magwala sayo ng parang baliw

Sige, okay lang
Sige, okay lang talaga
Wala na rin naman akong magagawa
Siguro nga ay kasalanan ko din
Kasalanan ko na ikaw ay laging isipin
Kahit wari ko'y ito'y hihinto
Sa pagsara ko ng aking pinto

Sige, okay lang.

Monday, November 29, 2010


Impulsive. Random. Unplanned.

Those are the kind of blog posts I usually make here. Yes, just like teenage pregnancy, I've been making impulsive, random, and unplanned blog posts for INTROVERSION for the past 6 years. Though with this impulsiveness and randomness, I have zoomed my way up from zero into becoming my own hero. I used to suck at this blogging thing, with my superficial posts that revolve around my insignificant life as an introverted teenager. Fuck it, I went through the suicidal phase, had two douchebags for boyfriends, had a crush on my swimming coach's abs and package, hated my best friend for engaging in a taboo relationship, loathed how discriminating the world is for fatties like me. I did more whining and ranting about how fat I am and how the world can suck on its own balls rather than actually doing something about it. I did more sourgraping about how fun it is to do stuff alone rather than socializing and getting to know other types of people. I did more planning rather than pushing everything through.

Now I realize how stupid I have been for six goddamn years. But you know what? I wouldn't even know now how much stupidity I have in my system back then if it weren't for me looking back at these juvenile and normal mistakes. Yes, they make me cringe like fucking Jonas Brothers, but it is really better that way. Better to accept them, because you would really appreciate yourself much more now.

With this, INTROVERSION will be signing off before 2011 hits. No, the archives won't be burned or anything. Everything will stay intact. I guess it's just one of those things I have to change since I am starting to outgrow it. I mean, if I don't do something about it like the way I did to my Harry Potter fanatic days, it's just gonna be a one-liner in my memory vacuum. My blog means so much to me. I know it's just a small space in the information superhighway that I'm betting nobody really knows much about, but it has been witness to every freaking milestone in my life, be it an accomplishment or a mere downfall. It's like having an imaginary friend but less weirder and well, more blatant. I am in love with this blog forever.

So, yeah. By next year, I'll be rebranding this blog to make things more accurate my life-wise. It's up to you if you would like my teenage persona much better than what I am now. All I know is, I'm no introvert no more. I am the fucking VP of the promotions committee of my professional organization. Eat that, bitches!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Random Update

I've been hitting the gym very frequently ever since mom enrolled me into one again last month. I wish I knew where I'm getting all the weird motivation from so I would stop wondering why amid the fact that God threw me off a jeepney last Wednesday, I managed to limp my way to a normal cardio workout this morning even if I have this swollen right ankle that looks like as if it houses a large amount of whatever liquid. Everybody's making fun of it and unusually, I am too. Insults would more often than not piss the fuck out of me but for reasons I don't want to dwell into, I insult myself with out-of-this-world commentaries too. Not that any of you would need to hear that or anything.

So here's the Oyen routine goes: I do 20-25 minutes of treading, 15 minutes at the ellipticals, and if I am still hyped up I would go for a 15-minute cycling craze, which does occur a lot. I rest for a few minutes then I proceed with my strength training that consists of total abdominal crunches, obliques crunches, chest presses, and chest inclines. For the life of me, I don't know why I am doing this. You know, workout so hard and stuff. I am in no hurry to slim down as I have a.) no boyfriend who's pressuring me to be as hot as Katy Perry, b.) have a good group of friends who appreciate my fats as they come handy during those dull moments when everyone's in dire need of something to laugh at, and c.) every man I seem to date seems to think that my body's right for me and surprisingly, some are even finding me sexy.

The world gets more fucked up as the apocalypse approaches. Shame.

I've been dating a damn lot too since the breakup. I'm not exactly looking for another scumbag to spend useless days with under the influence of what is popularly known as "love", but seriously, I just need people to talk to. New people who doesn't have issues the same as mine because I've spent so much time with those kind already. I'm keeping my old friends, but I'm feeling that weird need to expand my social horizon as I always get this feeling that my circle is limited to my college and high school schoolmates only. Where 's the fun in that?

Nobody would even take that as a wild guess because I'm not even that type of person to begin with. I'm not unequivocally pretty as my extreme obesity is hindering me from being so. Bullshit discrimination. But after dating and getting to know various men plus my deadly daily workouts, I kinda just realized the other day that hey, I am fucking pretty. These men get so aroused by my facial features that they overlook my humongous arms and thighs. And obviously I work the other way around as I blab about nothing but my fat parts. I should kill myself.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


The cold gush of air brought about by the rusty air condition unit of her dormitory made its way through the thin bars above the wooden door of her room. She was wrapped in that big red comforter as the darkness almost eats her restless and longing soul. If it weren't for the sound that punching the keys of the keypad of her old phone made, one would've thought that the room is empty. The sound provided her more than the company she needed for the blank afternoon; it was comfort too, at the same time.

Later that night he fetched her from the wallows of despair that have held her captive since she got her heart broken. She smiled as he gave her a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. It's all some part of a script, she thought. I'm about to bid farewell to my grandeur with this person I barely know.

Knowing this person is just there.
Knowing this person won't commit.
Knowing that love doesn't have to exist.
Knowing that she won't get hurt at all costs.

I'm ready.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Issue for My Tissue

For the past few weeks I've been moping about my feelings, which sucks because this blog is starting to be like a tissue I've been using to wipe my imaginary tears that I wish weren't imaginary in the first place so I could actually write something sensible. I don't get it, really. I watch the 6:30 news every single night. And if that isn't enough I also watch the 9pm news on both QTV and Studio 23. Why the hell am I being so apathetic again? It's like these news are useless facts that came out of a reporter's script, and I'm obviously blocking my mind to absorb any of it.

Yeah well thanks to my bible study teacher who opened up an issue on our last lecture, I think I'm back on the business. I hope.

I have an issue for my dirty tissue. The Reproductive Health Bill. Ain't that just a candy in my big ol' mouth. Actually, I've never would have realized that I have so many stuff to say about it if it weren't for last Wednesday's TREDTRI class. So, get this. For the start of that day's lecture, my professor flashed a picture of a person that I am very familiar of. This person is starting to become one of those few people that I admire because they're witty and while they're at it, they inject humor to their stands as if it's freaking heroin. It was Carlos Celdran, that famous tourist guide and a well-known advocate of the RH bill. We all know what he did. It was all over the internet, for Christ's sake.

I admit, the whole act of it was pretty unorthodox. I can't say that the Church deserved that huge bitch slap Mr. Celdran gave them right smack in their faces, because it was too much. But on the other side of the coin, he was right. The church needs to stop meddling with state issues, and for the life of me, I do not know what century they are living. We were taught by our hypocrite religion teacher way back in high school that overpopulation isn't even real because nobody sets the limit for the number of people that should live in a particular piece of land. But overpopulation is not even my main point here. Sure, let them fight over its existence , but how can you ignore those poor fetuses that gets thrown away in places God knows where? Without proper knowledge of how the whole sex thing goes, people will keep on fucking each other because it feels so damn good. And it's bad enough that more often than not, these fornications would result to unwanted pregnancies and consequently, abortion. Sad, sad, world.

Had a woman been equipped with suffice information that the men have the master key for their doors and would spare no second of standing and walking it off just as she would usually expect, she would at least have a notion to carry a condom around. Mind you, the whole idea of it isn't comparable to acting like a slut. It's being safe. It's being smart. It's exercising that freedom to choose if she wants to procreate with this man or not. Not all men would respect a woman's decision if she wants to make love or not. God, it's 2010 already. They should've at least got a clue when porn erupted years ago. What did they think rape and incest were all about? Man asking out a woman to take a jaunt in the prairie and sing songs with those von Trapp kids?

All I wish for is that the Church would finally adapt to the modern ways. A condom isn't gonna kill anybody; it's supposed to save women from having abortion prior to unwanted conception, or both parties from STDs. Providing sex education to the young isn't gonna make them fornicate; it's supposed to give them information about the whole act of it (sex) and thus diminish misleading knowledge they would often get from pornography. This would then minimize teenage pregnancies that frequently resulted from the youth's experimentation of how would it feel if they do it. God wouldn't have given us wisdom in the first place if we aren't allowed to decide for the betterment of ourselves, of other people, and maybe, for the whole nation.