There are generally two types of sadness that exist in this modern world. The first type is when all things suddenly crash into places and you don't know what to do next. More or less, you just shut up and don't let people know anything about it until you're fed up and...yeah, depression at its finest. The second type can be accurately explained by its epitome, the emotive (Emo) culture and its respective poseurs. I need not to explain how this sadness goes, because as far as I know we've all been bothered by these people who are extremely blatant about their feelings by giving us the halloween atmosphere all year round.
But I'm not here to rant about how irritating they are. (I can make a separate hate blog for that, for Christ's sake. I'm just not in the mood to get really angry to these people and attract fights with mobs of emo kids worldwide. Maybe next time.)
For the second time in two months, I'm experiencing the first type of sadness again. If you can remember(which I'm assuming that you can't), the first depression's all about my current school depressing the shit out of me. Every single second was (and still) tormenting, even if I'm with my college friends. I'm still feeling that I don't belong there, which is paradoxical since I was able to spend four puberty-filled years in a high school that gives the same unwelcoming ambiance.
But this time, I'm pretty sure that my sadness is more serious by a higher degree. Or two.
1. My dad is on the verge of losing his job. As you all know, my dad works in a bank somewhere in Europe. With the financial crunch and economic meltdown all over the world, my father's employer is highly susceptible of cutting down jobs and I'm fearing that he would be one of the thousands of people who will be unemployed by next year. When this happens, I will not be able to finish my college degree and my siblings would have to stop schooling for us to suffice our basic necessities. It may all seem to be really exaggerated for you, but the truth is, that's not the worst thing that could happen.
2. I failed all my quizzes in my drawing class. I'm afraid that I'm finally getting that hit in the ass that I thought I'll be getting last term because of algebra. But yeah, it's definitely gonna happen now because I'm sure as hell that I'm gonna fail my graphics class. And you know what's the worse part? My professor thinks that I'm cheating on all my plates because the scores on my plates are much much higher than my quiz scores. I don't know how THAT happened, but I'm fucking sure that I'm no cheater and I shed every last drop of energy I have for all those plates.
3. I'm losing all of my friends because I'm always problematic. I'm not the same old Oyen or Lorainne who's so freaking jolly and eccentric. I just can't stop being so poignant about how my life is getting more and more tragic each day, and needless to say, I'm starting to drive people out of my life.
Earlier this day, I had this unmeasurable excitement over the fact that my best friend and I will be swimming at the village clubhouse and spending the night together playing her new Guitar Hero. I bought snacks at Hypermarket with my mom, and even resisted the urge to finish my pending plates because she wanted to see how shitty my drawing can get. I thought I can finally release all my troubles away, because I'll be able to be with the person who has always been there for me, unlike those others who are acting like friggin asymptotes all of a sudden.
And abruptly, it's all not happening. It's like everything I expected turned into a clear illusion of how I wanted my weekend to go.
Maybe I really do deserve all of this; the pain, the suffering, the sadness...all of it. I just hope that someone can help me get through all of this.
And I prefer someone I don't know, please.
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Out of the sea of people I could really really really miss right now, there is only one friend that stands out.
Patti, thank you for your text message. :) People like you makes me realize that there is more to life than moping around.
But I'm just really down right now.
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