Alright already, ok? I didn't go to the freakin' concert because the fair itself made me agoraphobic on the spot. Not only that, I hate seeing people I don't really want to see nowadays. It makes me so irritated to see them when I walk past school corridors, and yeah, I'll probably emerge into my inner Incredible Hulk when I see them more at the concert.
This is why no one should ever make a crucial chapter of any thesis by herself. Jesus. I made that chapter weeks ago already, and its deadly effect is still taking a serious toll on me. My schizophrenia have reached its peak, and its a wonder I can still talk here in my own ego, not the altered one. Nonetheless, people I know can't really tell the difference that staying up late to make yellow-colored graphs made. In fact, I think that nobody really cares for me these days. Not that I give a damn if they do, or anything. But I wish I have some confidant other than Charlene whom I've been bombarding with my 'recon' problems with some university.
Oh, alright then. I'll blab it here.
After having my first rejection from Ateneo, I was trying to shrug that heavy weight it brought to my shoulders every time someone would remind me how cool it is to study there. This has become so incessant ever since the fifth of January, primarily because people cannot, for the love of God, just shut up all about it. And with its repetitive fury against me, it consequently became more or less easy for me to just forget all about it. I mean, I for one can't give any apparent reason why I should file a so-called 'motion for reconsideration', so why would I? And besides, doing such takes some deliberate pride-eating. You people know very well that I have damn issues with my pride. It's my soul food.
Last week my mom had suddenly reminisced my bittersweet rejection from Ateneo, and thus forced me to beg the Director of the admissions department of the said school to reconsider my application. In times like these, I had nothing left to do but blurt out to my mom something like 'Why the hell would I do that?" or something so dramatic like "You just don't understand! I don't belong there!", complete with a walkout, of course.
And from that day forward, she is still insisting me to do so. I told her a week ago that I can get my Physics teacher to help me in my letter of appeal to shut her up about it because its been bothering me so much. Oh, and yeah, get this - she baked my Physics teacher a box of oatmeal bars. Luckily enough, I wasn't able to take the box to school because I had so many things with me last Thursday.
I don't really know what to do now.
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It's a bit unfair how some people can change a person, but you can't. You know that saying, 'You can't change a person'? Oh I so hate that. It's not really in the matter of ability or whatsoever, but probably in the matter of who can actually change people. You know, something like human rights or something.
Well, maybe that's the way things really go. I sure can't accept changes in a good way, let alone changes in people.
What I don't understand is why people would make promises in the first place, then go break them afterwards. Isn't that a bit stupid and hypocritic? It's like building a skyscraper and breaking it down 4 months after.
You shouldn't have made a damn promise in the beginning, you fucking hypocrite you.
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I wrote these in my planner weeks ago:
People who wish to just fly aren't psychotic. Sometimes, flying is the only solution one can think of to escape the perks of reality; burdens are under you, instead of being over you. That makes it a lot lighter, ain't it? And yeah, I so want to fly. And die. Oh God.
In reality, a person who's much more of a smartass is susceptible of acknowledging more of what he/she can't do, rather than those things that uses his/her brain cells. With this way, he/she will strive to be more with a good morale. See, if you can't acknowledge your zero-brain cells alter ego, you're just technically filled with pride and crap. And that sucks, obviously.
At the end of the day, the line that separates love and infatuation is non-existent, What simply matters is you're letting those butterflies fly in your stomach to your heart's content. Well, at least you're happy, right?
A letter to MYSELF
January 14, 2008
3:15 AM
Dear Lorainne,
God knows why you're still up in this early time of the day. You have two things to blame: yourself, and/or your groupmates. I know for sure that you'll choose your groupmates, but please. Stop being such a push-over already. For Christ's sake you weigh at least a ton right there, so stop acting so bullcrappy. Next time, learn how to tell people what they have to do. And yeah. Push 'em real hard, you fucking bouncer T-Pain aficionado you. And another thing, please get a goddamn life.
Love,
Oyen (your long-lost alter ego)
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I need to ignore some people.
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