Okay. It took me a week to get over my grades. And just like a friend told me, be contended with them, because not all 3rd year students get an average as high/low like that. I dunno if I'll kill her, or I'll go shitty again.
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This week was a total mayhem. Projects are starting to hang under our noses again, and signs of insomnia are here to stay.
And, before we all realize it, exams is there waiting around the corner, plotting to assassinate us all.
I'm not sure about my performance this quarter. I've focused too much in Geometry that I forgot to there are other subjects as well. Oh well, too damn bad that my angst for the Mango was well off gone last Sunday while I was hearing mass.
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Everytime I hear the song Always by Atlantic Starr, the February prom starts popping my brains out. I don't have a date. No fucking joke. And too bad I'm too fat to find one.
I don't know what my problem is. If I crash diet all the way till next year, I'll just end up getting even fatter. If I exercise whenever I have time, I'll end up missing topics in Geometry and other subjects. If I stop taking steroids, I'll die in a minute.
Which leads me to my another problem. After the smoking thoughts, here comes another addition to the Curiosity and Depression series, Suicidal thoughts.
I've been thinking about this one during English class last Monday, and here are the few question and answers that's been stomping my brain like crazy.
Q: Why commit suicide?
A:
-I'll never get a good future anyway
-I'm dumb as a person can get
-I'm useless
-I'm fat
-I'm boring as the --- teacher can get.
-I'm always reckless
-Nobody loves me.
-Nobody REALLY loves me.
-Even God hates me.
-Even God's God hate me
-I'm pessimistic
-I'm sadistic
-I'm impatient
-I'm not a very open-minded person
-My parents even think I'm useless.
-I'm useless, meaning without any wit nor function
-I hate people, because they suck.
-I'm sinful than you think I am
-I'm a useless friend, because I backstab them when I think everyone hates me, which is everytime.
-I'm uber sensitive
-I don't respect anyone, even the higher persons
-I'm a loser.
Q: Why not?
A:
-it'll make my parents sad
-God won't accept me, even if I say sorry 182,829,672, 902 billion times.
-it'll just make matters worse. Like terrorism will be so common that it would be considered a religion or something. Like that would ever happen. I don't even exist in the naked eye.
-it won't solve any of my problems anyway. Just other's problems concerning me, I guess. I know that they won't really feel guilty that I comitted suicide. They hate me so much that they probably won't even notice it.
So it's obvious that I should commit suicide. I mean, you won't even get sad if I do. You probably would find it a relief or something.
Oh well. I'm gonna go shopping for knives tomorrow.
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