Friday, September 24, 2010

Unproductive

I hate it when there's nothing new to do. I borrowed leisure books from the library last week, thinking that I'll be busy with something before I actually do get busy with schoolworks next week. I'm really interested in graphic designing and figuring out how the human memory works. It just tickles my interest, you know, aside from weed and its effect on me, of course. I read the graphic design history book a week ago and the little texts made me lose my interest to the topic, thus making me very bored which consequently makes me want to smoke and play poker, either with someone inferior to me poker-wise, or with 8 computer-simulated idiots in 3D poker.

Unfortunately, that's how fucking unproductive my week went by.

If I'm not playing Rockband with my boys up at Sherwood, I'm either playing poker or sitting at the lobby stairs of my dorm building, taking long drags and giving strange looks to people who sometimes stare at me for reasons I don't really want to know. School's a trash. It's like my whole life suddenly took a 180-degree turn where there is now less time spent on school than any other place I can think of. Often times I find myself spending more time in the bathroom, pretending that the small shower cubicle of our dormitory is a big tub that can never be filled. Sad.

Oh, and I chugged down three Sleepasil capsules this week because my insomnia is making a great comeback. It's pretty good; made me look prettier on a totally useless and random day. What I love about is the absence of that groggy feeling you get after a sleepless/oversleeped night. Aaaand yes, my eyebags are less darker and baggier now. Thank God for Sleepasil.

Anyways, I'm out. Believe it or not, I actually have to do something tonight.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Mental Masturbation

On a given random time of the day, I find myself praying to God that if He could, at least for one minute, go hide my vagina and replace it with a dick (or even a strap-on, whatever He digs) so I could become a man or a lesbian and forget the freaking troubles my current gender preference is giving me. But He won't; He just would not give me my weird wish.

I'm so tired of being a woman. I think everything about it is just pure bullshit. The menstruation, emotional breakdown, boobs, bikinis? My God. Just thinking about all of them at the same time frustrates me more than thinking about how fucking delayed the series of tormentingly unfortunate events at school got us all into. As you know I am already delayed by a term; I've accepted that crappy fact long, long ago. I'm not on the borderline of being kicked out, nor am I on that danger scale of having too many accumulated failures. I'm just an ordinary college student, if you are to make the college of engineering as a reference, that is. It's a sad fact that from a straight-A student way back in high school, I've become this trashy shit of a pupil that no self-respecting parent would desire to have.

I don't consider my course to be something that should be disregarded, even though I'm a trash. I mean, come on, it's freaking computer engineering. The course title itself speaks for who I am, who my blockmates are, and who my college friends are. Sadly, because of the superiority of the other courses in my college, we remain to be at the bottom of the goddamn list. They did not open the subjects we petitioned a fucking term ago, much to everyone's dismay. I wouldn't be so outraged if these courses were useless, but these subjects are majors. Major subjects mean a LOT to me now for the reason that they hold the key for me and my peeps to stay on the track. The rule of this game is simple: keep the majors coming, and we'll all graduate a term late. We did not break a rule. They did, and boy, did they fucked our lives up BIG TIME.

I do not want to dwell too much about it because I just got my notebook repaired days ago and I don't want to go back to that suspiciously hidden repair center to get the keyboard repaired this time. As you probably do not know, my laptop has been suffering from laptop cancer ever since I can remember, and I kept on insisting that it will survive through chemotherapy (frequent hitting of the lid) and radiation (restarting the system for about five times until it stops BSOD-ing). When it brought me hell last Finals week as I crammed our programming project (I swear to all my gadgets that I almost threw my notebook at the wall because of the recurring LCD glitch), I decided that it really is the time to have it repaired. I can't afford my laptop to be so crappy since it's running a brilliant OS and a bunch of handy programs, it makes me look crappy too. So yeah, I got it repaired before I went off to enjoy my term break.

Ah yes, term break.

THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A TERM BREAK.

I know I'm gonna sound like a college freshman or a freshly deflowered alcohol virgin right now, but I've never drank so much as I did during my term break. Tuesday was probably the only day that I cooled down, as far as I can remember. For Monday night, my college friends and I went to this place in Baywalk to celebrate the term that just ended. It wasn't big; it was actually just this small gathering we had to drown our respective sorrows. Mine, mostly, because I just broke up with a boy I dated for a year. I appreciated that because that was exactly just what I needed for me to just forget the breakup crap and move on with my life. I stopped moping after that night as we made our way to Drew's place down south after Grade Consultation last Wednesday. It was my first time to spend my supposedly sad week with my college friends who all have dicks and smell like something I do not want to know, and I enjoyed it so very much.

We had shots of Bacardi and Pepe Lopez as we all got into our amats stage, much gratitude to King's Cup. We sang random songs as we all sobered up into the dawn. Then, with big grins on our faces, we went to Drew's room to sleep. It was all good.

We went home pretty late on the next day which pretty much pissed me off because I had to be home early in order to fix my stuff for my other term break getaway, which was Ayu's three-day beach party in Laiya, Batangas. I was really excited for it because after a long time, I'll be spending some time with my high school friends. I guess there is really a part in me that longed for the company of girls. After all, I spent 4 puberty-induced years with these bitches. Even though I now spend more time with my college friends, dicks still cannot replace that bond I already have with my girl friends whom I consider my own sisters.

So there. The roadtrip kinda sucked ass because it was a really hot day and Laiya was pretty far. But everything was worth the pain because the place was perfect. It was this big villa that is just a short walk away from the white sand beach of Batangas, and the rural feel of it just made me unwind so easily. I shared my room with two of my friends who are also enjoying their respective singlehood, which is good to know because I don't want any breakup story to spoil our vacation. I would not go into the details as I know for a fact that details bore the shit out of anyone. But let me just assure you that I enjoyed every freaking minute of it. I had fun being friends with my bitches' boyfriends, which made me miss my birdies for a while. The whole getaway made me realize that no matter how fucked up my life gets, these ladies are gonna stand by me, regardless of my stupid actions and decisions.

And right there and then, I've moved on.

Talking about a recent breakup is like a subliminal trashtalk, so I'd like to do that smoothly. People have been asking me if I'm alright, and how am I coping up with all that shit. For the benefit of this blog and as my reference on future breakups, I am okay. Sometimes I miss him, but most of the time, I thank God for His blessing as I made the right decision. I've learned a lot from this boy, and I mean a LOT. My friends know that; I am no sourgraping ass. I'm thankful for the wonderful experience, and how the whole relationship chiseled my life path. I cried, yes. I whined, yes. I moped around, yes. You wanna know why? Because I have a girl's heart. Having one sucks so bad because no matter how manly your mind gets because of your environment and habits, you're still gonna be this woman who will be so fucking fragile throughout your life.

But am I regretful of anything? No way. I was happy with him, that's for sure. Now that he's gone, I am happier and excited on how things in my life are gonna turn out.

And you're gonna witness all of it.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Fin

I did everything that I could.

It's over. I'm done.