FAIL

Course card distribution day yesterday.

Goodbye DL-ship.

I did not fail a subject, but GAH. I so wanted to be a dean's lister forever. I know I can, but I slacked off. I slacked a term off. And there's no other person to blame but myself.

I can't promise that I'll get that slot back come next term. I have integral calculus, algebra 2, chemistry, and physics to deal with, for Christ's sake. I'll be lucky already if I pass them all single-handedly. The only thing I can tell is that I'll stop procrastinating and foolin' around. I don't ever wanna see a grade of 1 on a course card. Not even for nonsensical subjects like PE and Oral Communications. I am not mediocre.

And I'll prove it to you. You just wait.

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Yesterday was the ultimate roller coaster of emotions. Aside from the fact that it was course card distribution day, it was also yesterday that I am to buy my Christmas gift from my parents - a Nikon D60 DSLR camera. I know they thought that I deserve it, because of those high grades I keep on getting last term. Since both of them have been really busy with their own lives for the past few months, they didn't have an idea of my academic standing before deciding to give me what I've always wanted. I don't know if that's a relief or anything because once they find out that I just got a 1 on my analytic geometry subject, they'll surely throw my Nikon away.

Well, I'm praying that they won't.

Anyways, so yeah I went to school nervous as hell. I wore my Disneyland shirt yesterday to hide the darkness I pretty much felt that morning. It was like the grim reaper appeared with his scythe while I was doing my thing in the bathroom, just to say that he'll finally take my depressing life that afternoon. I'd rather have my life taken by some weird guy hooded with this black gown than suffer the rest of my college life being an irregular student. I mean, no offense to anybody with that academic status, but I don't think I can bear the varying fallout of it all. I'm used to getting high grades, and it would be pretty devastating to the whole clan if I suddenly receive a failing grade. They'll probably disown me, much to my dismay.

The nervousness I felt is relatively superior to that of first term's course card distribution day. This time, I was pretty much sure that I'm gonna fail almost four of my seven subjects, namely: graphics, theology, solid mensuration, and analytic geometry. I still had my hopes up for the last two, but for drawing and theology class? There exists no way that I could get through them. I failed to submit a major requirement for theology, and I got really low scores for my quizzes in graphics class. It would take some goddamn miracle for me to even get a 1.0 (passing grade).

I was slowly climbing my way to the third floor of Velasco Hall when Chino suddenly bursted to my sight with an ecstatic expression in his face. He need not tell me what just happened - for sure, he passed analytic geometry. I looked at him and he was smiling like hell as he told me that he got a 2.0. Oh. How surprising. NOT. I sighed heavily as he escorted me to that room where Mr. Razon was waiting for his students to come and get their course cards. As I was about to grasp the door knob, some of my blockmates came out on the other side of the room, exclaiming their grievances over their 0.0's. My heart pounded harder as I heard them talk more about it. I just quickly rammed the door open and strolled to get my course card. My professor handed it to me, and I hastily looked at it.

1.0

Did I read that right?

Yes. 1.0, written with a black sign pen with a tip probably around 0.5-0.7. I passed. Not with flying colors, but I passed. I don't have to repeat the course, because I passed.

Was I happy about it? Hell no. Dad would kill me for sure. And how about my mother? God, she would chop me to pieces till I say and mean that I'll try harder to get a 4.0 in hell. They just don't understand that I'm taking up one of the hardest known courses in the land, and getting a friggin 1.0 in a math subject is already a glass of cold water on a hot day. Yeah well maybe they'll probably get it all when I finally get my first 0.0 come next term or the term after next term or whenever.

I just shrugged my thoughts off and walked with Chino to buy some paper bag in the bookstore for my stuff. And by stuff, I mean people's christmas gifts, a letter, and my course card. I ended up buying this simple bag with my school's name printed on it and a pack of envelopes for the aforementioned letter. Spent a total of a hundred and thirty bucks, and I'm all good.

It was all too early for us to go to Carriedo, and for sure my maid is yet to leave the house with my camera money. To kill time. we just sat in those benches in the amphitheater and relished the cold morning air. I was babbling absurdly random things to Chino but in the corner of my mind, my guilt is hitting me like crazy. Don't you have a heart? Go and buy some gifts for your college friends! They've been such good people to you and you're just here, receiving their gifts? You deserve to be fucked by your own life! Man, my guilt is a monstrosity. But it did little to persuade me to buy gifts. I am not smitten by the Christmas spirit; ergo, I will not be buying any gifts - not even for myself.

William suddenly came to the scene and gave us the news that he got a 2.0. Ces loomed and told us that she got a 1.5. Looks like we have a party here...a party of low grades. I'm the life of that party, in case you're wondering.

(God, this is taking too slow)

Fast-forwarding to the part where we ended up going to Chino's condominium to leave our things before going to Carriedo to buy the camera, we left Burgundy and crossed the street to catch the train to our destination. I should be really excited, because hot damn, I'll be buying a camera that I've been wanting for more than a year already. But because I know that I'll be buying something that would be confiscated in the end, provided that I fail a subject, I just cannot, for the friggin love of God, ball up a consistent emotion. Well, just look on the bright side of it all: if I would be homogenuously excited, my friends would surely leave me all alone because of my incessant prancing which I am unluckily susceptible of exercising when I am ecstatic about something. If I would be all too nervous about my grades, I would depress the shit out of them - and they're already depressed about their respective grades. I don't want to add up some weight to their burdens. I'm a good friend. No, really. (*insert snickering here*)

I treated them for lunch because heck, that's the least I could do for dragging them with me. We prattled over our empty plates for a couple of minutes while waiting for my maid. When she finally appeared, we went straight to Henry's and bought the love of my life (and forever will be, just in case I end up being a spinster. I hope not.). While the store clerk was looking for a box of the camera that I requested for, I realized that the scene is just all too overwhelming. I mean, here I am, buying my camera with my new friends in the most dubious place ever for the first time. All of it, for the first time. I wanted to burst in tears right there and then if it weren't for my fucked-up memory that keeps on pointing out that I'm gonna fail graphics and theology. Damn it.

After buying the camera, we hastily went back to Chino's condominium to retrieve our things and went back to Velasco Hall to get our differential calculus course card. Don't ask me for the grade, though. It's already enough that you know that I passed it. Save me from my own humiliation, please. I went down to the lobby of the building and waited for Chino to get his course card for graphics because if it isn't still obvious enough, I don't want to get my course card for a subject that I know I failed terribly. My eyes diverted to the sight of Chino going down the stairs with a smirk on his face. Yeah, like what the fucking hell, he passed with flying colors again. He handed my course card and and and...

No 0.0. Just 3.0. THREE point zero. What in the name of miracles. I passed!

And I don't really want to narrate how the rest of that day went by. My happiness was suddenly lifted to a stage higher upon receiving my theology course card from Ces when we went to Andrew building. 4.0. FOUR. Four. How the hell did that just happen?

And you know what? I don't want to ask questions anymore. Because I'm finally happy and contented with my life, no matter how sucky it has been for the past few weeks. And really, I owe it all to nobody but God. (Don't worry, this post isn't a homily in disguise. I just want to express my gratitude..)

So what if I just erased my smarty-pantsy image by getting a 1.0 in analytic geometry? I'm still smart on my own, and I need not to hear other people say it. So what if I made an ass out of myself by getting a ticket out of the dean's list for second term? What matters is that I passed all of my subjects, and there's a lot of room for improvement, and much less for maintenance, which is something I'm thankful for.

I'm no sourgraping piece of fat ass. I'm just finally, finally and finally happy.