Today I've realized that I am so f-ing tired of things I am practically doing, if not everything. The stupid Talentfest sure made reality smack right into my face; I'm no swimmer, and I'll never ever be. This happens to be true because of two pseudo-related things. I'm fat, for crying out loud. Physics would explain this in four words: more mass, more inertia. Or if simply put into English, it means that there is a direct relationship between my mass, and my speed. And another thing, I'm very prone to my own death when I'm in the pool. This is caused by my bronchial spasms that occur when I'm extremely nervous or tired, and/or people who throw stuffs at you when you're being a damn pig by swimming so slow (well, sort of. ).
If those things are still not enough to drag me out of the pool, then I must be insane.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of logging in for my three email accounts, and hoping that there is a personal message from The Boy. I'm tired of pretending that everything's alright between me and my best friend. I'm tired of planning to diet, because none of those gets fulfilled anyway. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of getting mixed signals. I'm tired of my irritating classmate, Chelly Moseros. I'm tired of dreaming to be a smart person. I'm tired of doing our thesis by myself. I'm tired of thinking that I'll be that engineer I'm aspiring to be one day. I'm tired of swimming. I'm tired of listening to my bisexual-wannabe coach. I'm tired of pretending to be so interested in anything, at the very least. I'm tired of seeing my typographically-error-ed name in Pauliworld, that big time campus newspaper I was able to get into. I'm tired of hating that classmate who just intimidates me for her own fucking good.
I'm tired of blogging, because it's like having an imaginary friend or something. I talk and talk and talk and talk, but really, who am I even talking to in the very first place? My own soul is not even listening to my own thoughts anymore.
Sometimes, I decisively think of just quitting those shits I'm tired of. These things are not ideally important anyway. I mean, what's the point of holding on to something you're extremely suffering from? Unless you're a martyr, it's a given fact that you have to let go of things that wear the hell out of you.
If the fact that I've already committed 2 major offenses in school ever since the start of the classes a week ago is still not enough for you to know where my weariness can lead to, then you're heartless.
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1 comment:
omg dude, I feel for you.
I'm tired of doing things just for the hell of it, and yet I continue to do those things. I log onto this makebelieve world called the internet and waste time, when i should be doing something that matters. Im tired of school and yet not willing to give up, i refure. But still, im sick of it.
my parents constantly pressure me to do better, and better, and better, so much better than the could ever possibly do, and they push me towards this so they can shape me to be who they want me to be. And i dont want that. But i cant refuse for now, cuz ill lose everything but hope and heart.
man, i suggest you just chill for a bit, and take a break. Seems like youre stressed, and about to break. I totally understand. good luck, and god bless. :)
-kasey
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