Sunday, December 28, 2008

Goodbye Resolutions

I'm writing here using this new Google Chrome. Yes, I joined the bandwagon of browser afficionados, and I can't blame them for falling in love with this. I mean sure, Firefox 3 is alright, but Google Chrome is better...WAAAY better. It looks really nice in its own simplicity. Really.

Not that I'm advertising it or anything.

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My christmas was much better than last year's. This time, I spent my Christmas Eve eating pizza and ham my brother and sister and the friggin cockroach which kept on pretending that he's this cute bird. To that cockroach: you'll never be a bird, for the love of God. I watched in awe as my sister opened her gifts from her classmates, and kinda pitied my ass for not being able to open at least one present because I've opened them all already. It would have been really nice though if my mom had bought the camera on her own and wrapped it and placed it under the Christmas tree. And then come Christmas Eve, I would grab that heavy box with my name on it and open it and scream "OH MY FRIGGIN GOD NO FRIGGIN WAY!" five times over, and be slapped by mom. But then she had to spoil the Christmas spirit by giving me money to buy it on my own. Aww, shucks. Someone's saving the drama for next year.

It was kinda weird though that even if I listened to this radio station which kept on playing christmas carols all week long, my system wasn't able to get hold of that Christmas feeling. God, we even watched this animated film on IMAX about Snowman wanting to take over Santa's place on Christmas day, and I still can't grasp of what's clearly happening, which is duh, Christmas. Until now that Christmas day is already over, the spirit is still yet to enter my system. Well, it's a bit too late now.

I don't know about you, but I think I am really getting too old for Christmas. At 17, I'm already apathetic to it and God knows how much more this apathy could get when I reach my 20's. I was just not in the mood to give gifts nor receive them, even if I kept on humming Sleigh Ride until now. Hence, the inferior number of gifts. 

But you know what? Suck it. I don't care if I didn't receive a lot of gifts this year. It's not MY fault that Christmas doesn't like me. I don't like him either anyways.

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I know you've been waiting all year for this. 

Oh yes. Yes it is. 

I present you, my invisible audience, Lorainne's Unfulfilled Resolutions of 2008.

2008 has been such a sucky year, contrary to what Chinese people thought of it last year as being a lucky year since it has the number 8. And we all know that number 8 is considered lucky because 8 has no ends, therefore making the luck circulate in an enlosed area only. Lucky 8, being concentrated in an area, obviously means that it is perennial. I used to believe that one can never go wrong with this number, because aside from the fact that my grandmother who is part-Chinese would always point it out whenever she gets the chance, I loved doodling the number 8 till the paper tears out during Math class because I don't have to make an effort to lift my hand off the surface. My pen would just go round and round and round on the twisted circle, and for reasons unknown I found pleasure in doing so. 

But the number 8 did not do any luck for this year, as all of us had bear witness to so many devastating things that happened. I for one was seriously pissed off at the gas prices that kept on increasing in the middle of the year. I was not able to enjoy my summer before college starts because fare prices were unreachable for quite sometime. And when it was time for college, I had to literally squish myself in the congested train just to get to school. Gargantuan numbers of people kept on swarming to the metro's train lines, and yeah, I think my claustrophobia has reached its second stage. I mean, if it has one or something. I, well, died. But the effort was all worth it because I luckily got exemplary grades for my first term, giving me the all the privileges only a dean's lister could get.

As if crashing stocks weren't enough, the world awoke to the news that Lehman Brothers, a high-rolling investment firm, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. This means simply means that they're out of moolah, and every bank that had invested in this firm is dead meat. It seems really harmless, if you're looking at it on a really general point of view. But if you're smart and you know better than to be all apathetic about this, you would know that the mere filing of Lehman Brothers for bankruptcy lighted the wick of the candle of global financial crisis. After this, other companies and firms stopped hiding the truth that they are all suffering the strong verge of bankruptcy. A lot of jobs were cut, and inflation rate hiked to colossal percentages. It was like the modernized version of The Great Depression, only much more depressing because I was deeply affected by all of this. My dad works in a bank in Europe, making him very susceptible of losing his job anytime. This depressed me for quite some time, sure. But I moved on and just prayed to God that he stays where he is because he has a daughter who is about to finish her degree in four years. 

Many other disastrous happenings occurred and well, I need not to elucidate them all to you. God, that's what CNN.com is for, goddamn it. But it's nice to know that we all managed to get through the year that was. May we all endure all of this shortcomings that 2008 have brought us, and may 2009 be a year of relief because dammit, 2008 redefined bullshitness right before our faces.

Alright, enough words of wisdom. Let's get it oooon.

To see the real post, click here.

Lorainne's Unfulfilled Resolutions for 2008

1. Do a damn cold turkey regarding your Coke addiction.

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. This is probably the fifth time I made this resolution, and I swear to God, I just cannot put the damn thing into action. Every single time I see a bottle of Coke, I would instantly have this heinous thirst all of a sudden for it and I would do anything to have it in my throat. I was like a monstrous vampire who has this weird hankering for carbonated blood. When I entered college, my unearthly yearning for coke was satisfied because of the countless stalls that are selling the drink at the cheapest prize possible. And as if that wasn't enough, there are vending machines all over the campus, tempting me to stash some cash in exchange for an ice-cold can of coke.

I don't really know when will I stop drinking coke. I think it'll be better if I just stop making this a resolution for a new year because for the friggin love of God, it never ever happens. Somebody please kill me if I drink another bottle.

2. Spend less time on Bill Gates' rip-off.(PC, hello. Bullcrap. Don't pretend he didn't copy Jobs' binary codes just so he can have his own empire. Shame. He even copied Stephen Hawking's face. I will not be surprised if he has Beyonce's ass, or Angelina's lips.)

This one was very much violated. I'm already in college and paperworks are much much heavier than the ones we used to have in high school. My professor even told us that you can't survive in the campus without a laptop computer, making this resolution much more impossible to do than ever. I think I'll try to just lessen my Internet usage, for my own good. 

3. Stop being such an agnostic BS. 

I already stopped questioning God two years ago, and I must admit, it's kinda hard resisting to ask the same questions again that I used to have when I was still on the peak of my religion confusion. What's harder is studying in a Catholic university that seemingly lacks teenagers who have religious lapses or whatever. That being said, I can't help but divert back to where I was before I started raising questions; a catholic schoolgirl (there's no porn here, for crying out loud you perv you). I mean, sure, it does look like I'm changing, but I'm really not. My heart is still out there, looking for answers people around me can't provide. What's worse is that everytime I try to ask my own mother, she would accuse me of being a member of the dark side of some sort and would dig up my drawers for proof. 

4. Cut down the fat, kiddo. 

Like #1, I've been making this resolution incessantly already. But to my surprise, I was able to shed a few fat without starving my ass to death. All thanks to my parents who keep on restricting me to live in a dorm or boarding house that is close to my freaking far school. At first, I thought that I'm in for my own death because of the great tediousness commuting has brought about for my first few weeks of college. I was so not used to climbing up really high stairs and walking great distances. Never in my life had I even thought that I can climb my way up to the 9th floor of a building. But I did, I really did. 

5. Stop making expectations already and learn from your past mistakes that has to do with expecting stuff. 

I expected a lot of things that I am now regretting. Regretting that I even thought of it in the first place, and regretting that I did not appreciate other options. Expectations are pretty much normal, anyway. What makes them abnormal is how us humans react towards it. Some of us came out ecstatic, and a hefty amount came out defeated. 

I came out ecstatic.

6. Don't ever ever consider picking up that cancer stick.

Oh God, I don't even know if there's a word that can describe how I highly-violated this resolution.

And I don't even want to elaborate the fuckingness of it all.


But then I suddenly remembered that this resolution list I made last year is to friggin long, and not all of them was even put into action because it quickly dissolved into microscopic particles right at the end of the first quarter of this year. So that alone makes this list, by far, the most useless list I've made in my whole life. God, my Christmas Wish List was much better.

So, in honor of my non-conformity and love for practicality, I will not be making any resolutions for the upcoming year, which is 2009. I can simply change without any stupid list that dictates what I should or should not do. It's like having this small elf on my shoulders, reminding me of my norms that I made in order to be a better person. And I don't need no elf. 

Because every imbecile mistake already made me a better person. I don't think any other list can hold a candle to that. Not even my mom's grocery list that I once modified for my favor. Damn, I've never received such a long litany about chocolates in my whole seventeen years of living. 

So yeah. If you want me to change, pray to God that I make stupid decisions again. I will not be accepting suggestions from any of you. 


Friday, December 19, 2008

FAIL

Course card distribution day yesterday.

Goodbye DL-ship.

I did not fail a subject, but GAH. I so wanted to be a dean's lister forever. I know I can, but I slacked off. I slacked a term off. And there's no other person to blame but myself.

I can't promise that I'll get that slot back come next term. I have integral calculus, algebra 2, chemistry, and physics to deal with, for Christ's sake. I'll be lucky already if I pass them all single-handedly. The only thing I can tell is that I'll stop procrastinating and foolin' around. I don't ever wanna see a grade of 1 on a course card. Not even for nonsensical subjects like PE and Oral Communications. I am not mediocre.

And I'll prove it to you. You just wait.

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Yesterday was the ultimate roller coaster of emotions. Aside from the fact that it was course card distribution day, it was also yesterday that I am to buy my Christmas gift from my parents - a Nikon D60 DSLR camera. I know they thought that I deserve it, because of those high grades I keep on getting last term. Since both of them have been really busy with their own lives for the past few months, they didn't have an idea of my academic standing before deciding to give me what I've always wanted. I don't know if that's a relief or anything because once they find out that I just got a 1 on my analytic geometry subject, they'll surely throw my Nikon away.

Well, I'm praying that they won't.

Anyways, so yeah I went to school nervous as hell. I wore my Disneyland shirt yesterday to hide the darkness I pretty much felt that morning. It was like the grim reaper appeared with his scythe while I was doing my thing in the bathroom, just to say that he'll finally take my depressing life that afternoon. I'd rather have my life taken by some weird guy hooded with this black gown than suffer the rest of my college life being an irregular student. I mean, no offense to anybody with that academic status, but I don't think I can bear the varying fallout of it all. I'm used to getting high grades, and it would be pretty devastating to the whole clan if I suddenly receive a failing grade. They'll probably disown me, much to my dismay.

The nervousness I felt is relatively superior to that of first term's course card distribution day. This time, I was pretty much sure that I'm gonna fail almost four of my seven subjects, namely: graphics, theology, solid mensuration, and analytic geometry. I still had my hopes up for the last two, but for drawing and theology class? There exists no way that I could get through them. I failed to submit a major requirement for theology, and I got really low scores for my quizzes in graphics class. It would take some goddamn miracle for me to even get a 1.0 (passing grade).

I was slowly climbing my way to the third floor of Velasco Hall when Chino suddenly bursted to my sight with an ecstatic expression in his face. He need not tell me what just happened - for sure, he passed analytic geometry. I looked at him and he was smiling like hell as he told me that he got a 2.0. Oh. How surprising. NOT. I sighed heavily as he escorted me to that room where Mr. Razon was waiting for his students to come and get their course cards. As I was about to grasp the door knob, some of my blockmates came out on the other side of the room, exclaiming their grievances over their 0.0's. My heart pounded harder as I heard them talk more about it. I just quickly rammed the door open and strolled to get my course card. My professor handed it to me, and I hastily looked at it.

1.0

Did I read that right?

Yes. 1.0, written with a black sign pen with a tip probably around 0.5-0.7. I passed. Not with flying colors, but I passed. I don't have to repeat the course, because I passed.

Was I happy about it? Hell no. Dad would kill me for sure. And how about my mother? God, she would chop me to pieces till I say and mean that I'll try harder to get a 4.0 in hell. They just don't understand that I'm taking up one of the hardest known courses in the land, and getting a friggin 1.0 in a math subject is already a glass of cold water on a hot day. Yeah well maybe they'll probably get it all when I finally get my first 0.0 come next term or the term after next term or whenever.

I just shrugged my thoughts off and walked with Chino to buy some paper bag in the bookstore for my stuff. And by stuff, I mean people's christmas gifts, a letter, and my course card. I ended up buying this simple bag with my school's name printed on it and a pack of envelopes for the aforementioned letter. Spent a total of a hundred and thirty bucks, and I'm all good.

It was all too early for us to go to Carriedo, and for sure my maid is yet to leave the house with my camera money. To kill time. we just sat in those benches in the amphitheater and relished the cold morning air. I was babbling absurdly random things to Chino but in the corner of my mind, my guilt is hitting me like crazy. Don't you have a heart? Go and buy some gifts for your college friends! They've been such good people to you and you're just here, receiving their gifts? You deserve to be fucked by your own life! Man, my guilt is a monstrosity. But it did little to persuade me to buy gifts. I am not smitten by the Christmas spirit; ergo, I will not be buying any gifts - not even for myself.

William suddenly came to the scene and gave us the news that he got a 2.0. Ces loomed and told us that she got a 1.5. Looks like we have a party here...a party of low grades. I'm the life of that party, in case you're wondering.

(God, this is taking too slow)

Fast-forwarding to the part where we ended up going to Chino's condominium to leave our things before going to Carriedo to buy the camera, we left Burgundy and crossed the street to catch the train to our destination. I should be really excited, because hot damn, I'll be buying a camera that I've been wanting for more than a year already. But because I know that I'll be buying something that would be confiscated in the end, provided that I fail a subject, I just cannot, for the friggin love of God, ball up a consistent emotion. Well, just look on the bright side of it all: if I would be homogenuously excited, my friends would surely leave me all alone because of my incessant prancing which I am unluckily susceptible of exercising when I am ecstatic about something. If I would be all too nervous about my grades, I would depress the shit out of them - and they're already depressed about their respective grades. I don't want to add up some weight to their burdens. I'm a good friend. No, really. (*insert snickering here*)

I treated them for lunch because heck, that's the least I could do for dragging them with me. We prattled over our empty plates for a couple of minutes while waiting for my maid. When she finally appeared, we went straight to Henry's and bought the love of my life (and forever will be, just in case I end up being a spinster. I hope not.). While the store clerk was looking for a box of the camera that I requested for, I realized that the scene is just all too overwhelming. I mean, here I am, buying my camera with my new friends in the most dubious place ever for the first time. All of it, for the first time. I wanted to burst in tears right there and then if it weren't for my fucked-up memory that keeps on pointing out that I'm gonna fail graphics and theology. Damn it.

After buying the camera, we hastily went back to Chino's condominium to retrieve our things and went back to Velasco Hall to get our differential calculus course card. Don't ask me for the grade, though. It's already enough that you know that I passed it. Save me from my own humiliation, please. I went down to the lobby of the building and waited for Chino to get his course card for graphics because if it isn't still obvious enough, I don't want to get my course card for a subject that I know I failed terribly. My eyes diverted to the sight of Chino going down the stairs with a smirk on his face. Yeah, like what the fucking hell, he passed with flying colors again. He handed my course card and and and...

No 0.0. Just 3.0. THREE point zero. What in the name of miracles. I passed!

And I don't really want to narrate how the rest of that day went by. My happiness was suddenly lifted to a stage higher upon receiving my theology course card from Ces when we went to Andrew building. 4.0. FOUR. Four. How the hell did that just happen?

And you know what? I don't want to ask questions anymore. Because I'm finally happy and contented with my life, no matter how sucky it has been for the past few weeks. And really, I owe it all to nobody but God. (Don't worry, this post isn't a homily in disguise. I just want to express my gratitude..)

So what if I just erased my smarty-pantsy image by getting a 1.0 in analytic geometry? I'm still smart on my own, and I need not to hear other people say it. So what if I made an ass out of myself by getting a ticket out of the dean's list for second term? What matters is that I passed all of my subjects, and there's a lot of room for improvement, and much less for maintenance, which is something I'm thankful for.

I'm no sourgraping piece of fat ass. I'm just finally, finally and finally happy.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

162 Bucks

God, this blog's a total mess. Okay. Just to clear things up, Introversion is in no way gonna shut itself down because the owner is too busy to friggin update it. But I'm very much fearing that it might do so that's why amid my lethargy, I am gonna blog. Oh yes. I. Am. Gonna. Blog.

Alright. First things first; Twilight the Movie.

Having read the superficial novel approximately eleven months ago (a far cry to the mob of newbies that the movie bore. I was at National Bookstore the other day, looking for Haruki Murakami's After Dark novel when I came across this group of people dressed in black, looking for different books from the saga. Too bad that the bookstore's out of everything with Edward Cullen in it. Or rather, too good. I'm a bad person - deal with it.), I was sandwiched between two judgments of what the movie will turn out to be; overrated and superficial to the left, excellent on the right. But as vast information about the movie quickly spread like a disease through various media, I was more like leaning to the overrated side. If you know me enough, then you would know why.

And so, my judgment proved to be so right all along - and more.

I watched the movie a week late after it was shown in the country. For one, I don't want to be in a cinema full of infatuated teenagers like my sister who would swoon everytime a part of that vampire looms into a scene. I watch films because of their artistic attributes, not because everybody's so into it and it's hitting box office records like hell. Of course, how would one look into a film as an art if everyone keeps showing their infatuation to a movie's character? Like, what the hell was that? Secondly, I was so busy with so many things on the week that it was shown that's why I relied on my sister, who is still very much drenched in her own smitten vampire fantasies, to make first-hand critiques of the movie (which, upon realizing it, turned out to be one of those dumb decisons I've made). She said it was really good, and kakakilig (kinda like infatuating).

So wrong. So so soo wrong.

In the spirit of a true introvert, I watched the movie alone at the most undesiring moviehouse in the planet - Megamall. I was supposed to watch at Shang Cineplex, but I don't wanna risk my life and precious calories by walking all the way to Megamall after the movie. I have to commute all the way home at that day, and surely enough, there exists no FX terminal in Shang. So yeah. I bought one ticket that cost me 162 bucks, and stopped by the snack bar to buy a large coke drink so I could at least do something when the movie's boring me to pieces. I hurried to the moviehouse and found myself a suitable seat just in case I don't want to finish the movie anymore - right at the back of the aisle. Works everytime.

So yeah, I arrived in that scene where Edward delivers one of those many famous cheesy lines in the book; I'll do whatever it takes to make you safe again. Cringe, baby. Cringing moment at its finest. I don't know why I even bothered to stay in the moviehouse and wait for the film to rewind so I can watch it again from the start. Maybe because I have to give some value for the 162 bucks I paid for this vampire movie about a vampire book I've read several months ago. I went out of the moviehouse at that La Push scene because clearly, I can't stand my distaste anymore.

I didn't like it, and you don't have to hate me for it. After all, it takes real art and substance for a film to please someone like me.

Don't be like my sister and be so utterly contented with movies like this. Raise your standards, even for just a bit. I know we can't all be credible film critics, but all of us can see what is clearly good and bad.

Ugh. Just give me my 162 bucks back.

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I bought Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being yesterday and I swear to God, I can't stop reading. Just seriously can't. I finally found that one book that is more than what it's worth.

I shared my mother one good realization I read in the book:

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

Nice, isn't it? But my mother, being the total person of authority that she thinks she really is, smirked at me and blurted out something like 'Only God knows our past...don't believe in books'.

I've never been so dumbfounded in my whole egotistical life. I wish I knew what the hell she really meant. Reminds me of this post - a lot.

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I've been blushing a lot these days.

Maybe I am really happy, after all.

Thank you, you.

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Monday, December 01, 2008

I Just Blogged 8

As I'm writing this, I'm pretty much wondering why in the world my mother bought me this spanking new compass that has this radius adjustment situated below the holder. I remember asking her to buy me a cheapass rotring compass earlier this afternoon because being a genuine idiot that I truly am, I accidentally chopped off the sharpened lead last week during graphics class. I knew about it only last Friday, while re-doing the truncated cone plate. With my amateur lead-replacing skills, I wasn't able to fix it. God, I even managed to break the remaining leads.

So yeah, while reviewing partial derivatives for our calculus quiz tomorrow, I fell asleep (having slept at already 5am this morning because of my ever unrelenting manic depression and paranoia). Then I had the weirdest dream ever.

In the dream, I was watching porn with my family. Like, what the fucking fuck, right? Oh for crying out loud, I am not in my right state to elucidate all of that.

You know sometimes, it's a good thing to get disturbed by that irritating sound your phone makes when it vibrates against a table. And for that, I just have to thank Chino for calling up. You have no idea how much that call saved my, um, innocence (if I still have one, that is). Anyways, being the good friend that I am, I tried my very best to answer his questions while defying this strong gravity on my bed. The cushions were practically dragging me back to sleep, for Christ's sake.

I heard my mom's voice boom outside the walls of my room. I hurriedly went out to retrieve my new compass from her because I need to re-do another plate.

Warning: Crappy translations.

Mom: Ang mahal pala nitong compass na rot ring. (This rot tring compass is expensive.)
Me: Ang basa po dyan, rotring. Bilisan mo yung basa, ma. At alam ko 200 lang yan ah. 180 nga lang dun sa may Edsa Central yan eh. (It's read as rotring. Read it quickly. ma. And as far as I know, it costs 200 bucks. It even costs 180 at Edsa Central.)
Mom: Ano?? E etong pinakamahal pala yung binigay nung babae saken eh! 650 pesos! Sa Ever Ortigas ko pa to binili, dahil halos lahat ng national dito sa atin eh wala na nyan. Pamasko mo na yan. (What?? The lady gave me the most expensive after all! 650 pesos! I bought this at Ever Ortigas, because almost all the branches of National Bookstore in our area is out of that compass. That's your Christmas gift.)
Me: WHAT THE...?

I can't believe my mom just bought me this high-end compass right before the last meeting of our graphics class. What the fuck will I do with this after this term? Well, yeah, this would be really useful next term, provided that I fail my graphics class this term, which is something I don't want to do because I don't wanna spend another three months tugging that big graphing kit around Manila.

I think I'll just lease my graphing kit to people who'll be taking up GRAPONE next term. Like, 2000 a term or something. Hey, that compass costs a damn lot.

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Speaking of that graphing kit, I was on a jeepney ride last week with that big shit (let's all thank Chino again for agreeing to keep my drawing tube for a week). My mom, as always, was asleep when I was trying to call her phone. We agreed the week before that she will fetch me during Tuesdays only once my FILDLAR classes start dissolving and shit. And being the lethargic mom that she is, she forgot that she has a daughter who thought that she'll be fetched by her mother.

I dropped off the Shaw Boulevard station as always, and went out of Edsa Central. After trying to call my mom five times, I gave up and decided to swallow my pride as I walked my way to the jeepney terminal. God, I can't believe how I managed to squeeze myself, my bag, and my graphing kit inside the jeepney. But yeah, it's all good.

As the jeepney waited for the green signal, this kid suddenly crept inside and stood in the middle, with his grip on the railings. He placed small envelopes on the knees of the passengers and mumbled something about his five siblings and having nothing to eat for the night. I looked around and much to my surprise, nobody was listening. It's as if he was this ghost that nobody can't see, except for me. Kinda like Jeniffer Love Hewitt on Ghost Whisperer, minus the sexy body and sexy voice.

I was the only one looking at him, and I was wondering why the fuck he won't give me a small envelope because I wanted to give him fifty pesos, the only change that I have in my wallet. As he looked around, he avoided my eyes and grabbed the small envelopes he placed before. He quickly went out, afterwards. And again, nobody even moved an inch.

Weird. Just weird.

On my way to the tricycle terminal, I was pondering on what I just saw in the jeepney. I don't know. Maybe people had already been desensitized by the bitterness of the truth that lies in the society today; people are impoverished, and they are worsening their state by atrocious acts we are all aware of. I mean, maybe I was the only one thinking that maybe, just maybe, those kids are really in dire need of something to eat for the night.

He was asking for help in a peaceful way.

And I could've helped him, had I been just really eloquent.