Friday, November 21, 2008

My Recipe for Pain

There are generally two types of sadness that exist in this modern world. The first type is when all things suddenly crash into places and you don't know what to do next. More or less, you just shut up and don't let people know anything about it until you're fed up and...yeah, depression at its finest. The second type can be accurately explained by its epitome, the emotive (Emo) culture and its respective poseurs. I need not to explain how this sadness goes, because as far as I know we've all been bothered by these people who are extremely blatant about their feelings by giving us the halloween atmosphere all year round.

But I'm not here to rant about how irritating they are. (I can make a separate hate blog for that, for Christ's sake. I'm just not in the mood to get really angry to these people and attract fights with mobs of emo kids worldwide. Maybe next time.)

For the second time in two months, I'm experiencing the first type of sadness again. If you can remember(which I'm assuming that you can't), the first depression's all about my current school depressing the shit out of me. Every single second was (and still) tormenting, even if I'm with my college friends. I'm still feeling that I don't belong there, which is paradoxical since I was able to spend four puberty-filled years in a high school that gives the same unwelcoming ambiance.

But this time, I'm pretty sure that my sadness is more serious by a higher degree. Or two.

1. My dad is on the verge of losing his job. As you all know, my dad works in a bank somewhere in Europe. With the financial crunch and economic meltdown all over the world, my father's employer is highly susceptible of cutting down jobs and I'm fearing that he would be one of the thousands of people who will be unemployed by next year. When this happens, I will not be able to finish my college degree and my siblings would have to stop schooling for us to suffice our basic necessities. It may all seem to be really exaggerated for you, but the truth is, that's not the worst thing that could happen.

2. I failed all my quizzes in my drawing class. I'm afraid that I'm finally getting that hit in the ass that I thought I'll be getting last term because of algebra. But yeah, it's definitely gonna happen now because I'm sure as hell that I'm gonna fail my graphics class. And you know what's the worse part? My professor thinks that I'm cheating on all my plates because the scores on my plates are much much higher than my quiz scores. I don't know how THAT happened, but I'm fucking sure that I'm no cheater and I shed every last drop of energy I have for all those plates.

3. I'm losing all of my friends because I'm always problematic. I'm not the same old Oyen or Lorainne who's so freaking jolly and eccentric. I just can't stop being so poignant about how my life is getting more and more tragic each day, and needless to say, I'm starting to drive people out of my life.

Earlier this day, I had this unmeasurable excitement over the fact that my best friend and I will be swimming at the village clubhouse and spending the night together playing her new Guitar Hero. I bought snacks at Hypermarket with my mom, and even resisted the urge to finish my pending plates because she wanted to see how shitty my drawing can get. I thought I can finally release all my troubles away, because I'll be able to be with the person who has always been there for me, unlike those others who are acting like friggin asymptotes all of a sudden.

And abruptly, it's all not happening. It's like everything I expected turned into a clear illusion of how I wanted my weekend to go.

Maybe I really do deserve all of this; the pain, the suffering, the sadness...all of it. I just hope that someone can help me get through all of this.

And I prefer someone I don't know, please.

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Out of the sea of people I could really really really miss right now, there is only one friend that stands out.

Patti, thank you for your text message. :) People like you makes me realize that there is more to life than moping around.

But I'm just really down right now.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Wasting Chances

I was deciding a while ago if I would start a mini commotion between this one person of the past and me. It's starting to hit me that my life is getting more boring each day, and I have to do something fun so as to avoid those dark suicidal times that I don't want to have again. And by something fun, what I mean is getting my ass into trouble, and my heart into vengeance.

This is practically easy, since picking up a fight is one of my known fortes. I can just IM some fugly person off my messenger list, and act like an asswipe by taunting him/her with harsh words.If people would take my words seriously, then there's little doubt that chance would grant me that catfight I so want to have right now. But it just so happens that I've already reached the end of puberty, which technically means that I have to stop my juvenile stints because I would look really immature to the eyes of everybody. And people thinking that I'm still a darn kid is the last thing I want to know.

So, I slashed off Easy Option number 1.

My brain diverted again to my initial plan of reviving the past and finally saying some good ol' words to this certain person my life used to depend on. I wanted to say how much I miss this person, and that I am still very much infatuated with this fuzzy feeling I am yet having again. And it's not friggin diarrhea again, mind you. God, you have no idea how many times I've contributed my own dump a few weeks ago because of my sick stomach to the school's sewage system. And if by any chance you happen to be that girl who was brushing her teeth while I was releasing bad stuff, I hope your teeth's still there.

It's a sad, sad thing that I just simply have to have a stormy commotion for my own entertainment. I don't even get it why I have to be evil in that way.

And for the nth time, I don't need love. Like, what the fuck.

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Calculus is starting to be such a pain in the ass, neck, and brain (GAH especially my brain. I can't take any long hand solutions any more). It used to be so darn easy for me to understand, even if I kept on failing quizzes. Well, what can I even expect from a subject with 4 units? Stuffed toys? Yeah WE ALL WISH that it would just be about stuffed toys. But differential calculus just really had to be about functions and crap.

You know, this is one of those things that I'm scared of encountering during college. Not really calculus per se because calculus can be a bit easy if you try to listen to the teacher and pretend to understand everything and grab that thick calculus book and just read everything (well in our case, that is). Word problems. I'm scared of level 100 - calculus word problems. I'll give you a sample from this quiz about maxima and minima (google it if it's all alien to you) we had a while ago.

A movie screen on a wall is 20 feet high and 10 feet above the floor. At what distance x from the front of the room should you position yourself so that the viewing angle (theta) of the movie screen is as large as possible?

I knew how to solve it. But being such a scaredy cat and refusing to jot down ideas that popped out of my head to help me solve it in a quick and effortless way just lead me to nowhere. I passed my booklet with that page left no answer. Just sketches and sketches of triangles. Cool.

A while ago before typing this sentence, I googled maxima and minima and as it sourly turns out, all of the problems in the quiz are in just one website. Oh good. Our professor just copied them out from a tutorial website that I could have accessed days ago had I just googled maxima and minima. Great.

And just to make things official, I am gonna fail calculus. All because I ignored Google. Google, you're a god. Googlism shall be my religion.

That is, if your database-searching sexiness will help me pass calculus.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Post Anniversary

I'm repressed, unpredictable, and imbecile.

But underneath it all, I'm just plain happy. And it's because of you and this one guy I shall never bring up again.

Thanks for the four years, and may we have another century to rant about together.

I'll still blog in hell while I'm burning for my sins, you know.

For what it's worth, I express my deep gratitude to Blogger and to everyone who's letting extreme boredom into their systems and consequently reading my online journal. My blog might not be as expensive as those other blogs you have encountered, but it's still good. Good as my ass.

Here's to you, Introversion.



The OLD layout of this blog

I accidentally opened Opera yesterday and my old blog just appeared right there and then. Sucky layout. Sucky edits. Sucky pictures. Sucky grammar. Sucky owner. Sucky everything.

And what do you know? Being sucky rules, after all. Just don't overdo it or people will start hitting you or something.

I only have me...yeah, sure. Still the same banana. The only difference now is that I only have myself, not me. It's more than just the grammar bullshit. It's about...

Me.

(Oh crap. Sorry for the weird post. It's almost half-past one in the morning and I'm still wide awake. I have a calculus class scheduled 8 hours from now and I'm still wide awake. I've finished ALL the plates that I need to submit for graphics class and I'm still wide awake. What the friggin hell is up with my brain? Yeah, God really knows the answer to this unrelenting question, but that Holy Guy just wouldn't give me answers. I guess I'm just gonna fuck myself up again.)

(And who the hell even celebrates a blog anniversary? And even a month late, at that.)

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Forgive My Turbulence

I find it funny and weird that amidst the superlative number of really really REALLY cute guys that tickles my fancy, I'd still go back to my obsession over this one boy that I still love. It's like those cute boys are just merely fascinating walking paintings that I can't help gushing on like a foolish fan girl in a boy band concert, nothing more and nothing less. But this boy that I truly hunger for with all my heart? No one can ever match up to that. Well, not that it matters or anything.

This certain blockmate amazes me, really. Everytime I'm with him, he would point to me a girl he finds absolutely hot and pretty, and would make this futile yet funny effort to deliver a "cute guy" stance for that girl to see. At first, I was pretty much startled because I didn't know that boys like hot girls a lot. See, I didn't get to experience a lot of fun puberty moments with boys because I went to a high school with people who wear panties under checkered skirts, so this all was just a new thing for me. In the long run, I got so used to their checking out activities that it would now surprise me if they won't acknowledge some girl's hotness right in front of me.

But behind it all, he's wallowing in sorrow because of this one girl he truly loves. As it is slowly turning out, he's been making this unmatched effort to make the girl reciprocate his deep affection for her since their high school days. It's been that long. And for reasons unknown, they cannot reach that serious relationship point. I won't feel really sad about it if what he is feeling is just mere infatuation. But almost five years of dire devotion to somebody (who isn't GOD) is really something else deeper. That's why I'm pretty much impressed at his vigor.

I'm not being all pre-valentina here by elucidating feelings and whatnot. It's just that sometimes, the best way to get over something is to simply let it out loud. People are tired of hearing me profess my love to this one person, because everybody knows that it's already over, and what I'm feeling is just a ball of shrapnels of that infatuation bomb that exploded almost a year ago already. But I still beg to disagree. There are so many cute boys in school, yet he's still my favorite viand.

Because at the end of the day, you will still return to that one person you love, even if God showers you with a truckload of beautiful people. Sure, they're good to the eyes and to some private parts at times. But that person you care for so much? He/She's good for everything, at the very least.

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Yeah. Finally. A friggin sign.

Yesterday while I was getting off the FX taxi at SM North, my knees weakened and my arms suddenly became numb. I thought that this abrupt physical torture was just all because of the fact that I skipped breakfast because I woke up late again for fucking community service. Mom offered to drive through McDonald's for some quick breakfast, but I declined after seeing that it's already 7:00AM and I'm still in Pasig City. So yeah, after my knees and arms, my stomach suddenly stabbed me with this tormenting pain. I hastily changed my clothes and hurried off to Taco Bell to grab lunch before meeting up with people I'm supposed to watch Madagascar 2 with. I thought that maybe half of the Crunchwrap would easily sweep off the pain, but NO. I didn't finish my food for I was too agonized, and I limped my way to the cinema.

I didn't really get to enjoy the film because of my stomach bitching around. I swore that if this won't stop till Monday, I'll dig it up on my own and throw it to our noisy neighbor. Enjoy my rotten stomach, you boisterous son of a bitch.

Later that night, I thought of reasons as to why my stomach is aching like hell. Skipping breakfast? No. Asthma? Obviously, no. Food poisoning? I've eaten so many junk in my life that my body's already immune to toxics.

Coke?

OH YES.

I've been drinking Coke every single day of the previous week and the previous week of that week and the previous week of that week and the previous week of that week and the previous...

To cut the shit short, I've been drinking non-stop for quite a month now.

I remember last last Thursday when I went to Charlene's party with my stomach grumbling because I haven't eaten anything. The first thing I grabbed was a bottle of beer, and expectedly, I gulped it all down. My stomach punched me to death. (And no, this one's not really connected to anything I've said about the Coke thing.)

I've been waiting for a sign to check myself in at Coke rehab(not that it exists or anything.) for the longest time, and now that I have to restrain my throat from this soda, I'm gonna discipline my ass.

Wish me luck.

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Monday, November 03, 2008

Realizations

I can't believe my own body is doing this all to me. SRSLY. I haven't had any normal sleep for the past few weeks and I can't blame anyone nor anything except my body, which have been acting kinda weird ever since I started sniffing friggin steroids again. It's been three years since I stopped inflating my body with anti-asthma steroids and from then on, I've been living like a martyr. And since martyrdom is something I do not, in any way, want to practice, I threw my useless inhaler away and snatched my brother's purple diskus to finally give my dying lungs a break.

Aside from my shoulders getting abnormally huge and the unrelenting lethargy, the steroids have been giving out so much benefits that I used to only wish of. Like my lungs drifting off to heaven, or the cool stance I wasn't able to show for three years because of my inhaler. Damn that inhaler.

So, yeah. I went to school half-asleep today. My eyes were so heavy that I slept for quite a moment while I was on the escalator connecting the platform of the train to the second floor of the station. I was drifting off in little naps while waiting for our professor, and I also dozed off in the train on my way home. I just don't get all of this sleepy bullshit. I can easily fall asleep when I'm on the move, and I can't sleep when I'm already lying on my bed. How weird is that?

Conclusively, I just wish that Sandman would just get his act together and quit fooling around. It's not summer time, for Christ's sake. I have two plates and a calculus quiz to get through, and surely enough, I can't manage to just fall asleep whenever and wherever I want to.

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I realized so many things after attending my friend's party last Thursday. One of which is that I don't need to transfer to UP because my friends from other colleges/universities in the party are also having the same manic depression this college thing is giving us all. Weeks ago, I was really sure that I'm gonna dump my current school over another school because it's making me
regret about my choices and stuff. I already reached that point where I was finding various papers that I need in order to leave La Salle and go for UP already.

And then, my high school friends shared the same sentiments about their respective college lives. Suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore.

It all just hit me like a big rock; you can't always have what you want, and leave something that's already good in return. Besides all of it being so stupid, it's just telling all of ye that I'm as immature as those people I'm criticizing because of their callowness. I don't really want to end up as a hypocrite here.

I'm not moving. And even if it takes me a millenium to be contented to where I'm in already, I'll go through it all. Except of course when my dad suddenly runs out of moolah and we're dead meat. When that time comes, y'all should expect me in the streets of Taft Avenue, snatching off your belongings.

HA.

Enough of this drama. I have to study for my calculus quiz.