Monday, January 28, 2008

Indifference

Alright already, ok? I didn't go to the freakin' concert because the fair itself made me agoraphobic on the spot. Not only that, I hate seeing people I don't really want to see nowadays. It makes me so irritated to see them when I walk past school corridors, and yeah, I'll probably emerge into my inner Incredible Hulk when I see them more at the concert.

This is why no one should ever make a crucial chapter of any thesis by herself. Jesus. I made that chapter weeks ago already, and its deadly effect is still taking a serious toll on me. My schizophrenia have reached its peak, and its a wonder I can still talk here in my own ego, not the altered one. Nonetheless, people I know can't really tell the difference that staying up late to make yellow-colored graphs made. In fact, I think that nobody really cares for me these days. Not that I give a damn if they do, or anything. But I wish I have some confidant other than Charlene whom I've been bombarding with my 'recon' problems with some university.

Oh, alright then. I'll blab it here.

After having my first rejection from Ateneo, I was trying to shrug that heavy weight it brought to my shoulders every time someone would remind me how cool it is to study there. This has become so incessant ever since the fifth of January, primarily because people cannot, for the love of God, just shut up all about it. And with its repetitive fury against me, it consequently became more or less easy for me to just forget all about it. I mean, I for one can't give any apparent reason why I should file a so-called 'motion for reconsideration', so why would I? And besides, doing such takes some deliberate pride-eating. You people know very well that I have damn issues with my pride. It's my soul food.

Last week my mom had suddenly reminisced my bittersweet rejection from Ateneo, and thus forced me to beg the Director of the admissions department of the said school to reconsider my application. In times like these, I had nothing left to do but blurt out to my mom something like 'Why the hell would I do that?" or something so dramatic like "You just don't understand! I don't belong there!", complete with a walkout, of course.

And from that day forward, she is still insisting me to do so. I told her a week ago that I can get my Physics teacher to help me in my letter of appeal to shut her up about it because its been bothering me so much. Oh, and yeah, get this - she baked my Physics teacher a box of oatmeal bars. Luckily enough, I wasn't able to take the box to school because I had so many things with me last Thursday.

I don't really know what to do now.

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It's a bit unfair how some people can change a person, but you can't. You know that saying, 'You can't change a person'? Oh I so hate that. It's not really in the matter of ability or whatsoever, but probably in the matter of who can actually change people. You know, something like human rights or something.

Well, maybe that's the way things really go. I sure can't accept changes in a good way, let alone changes in people.

What I don't understand is why people would make promises in the first place, then go break them afterwards. Isn't that a bit stupid and hypocritic? It's like building a skyscraper and breaking it down 4 months after.

You shouldn't have made a damn promise in the beginning, you fucking hypocrite you.

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I wrote these in my planner weeks ago:

People who wish to just fly aren't psychotic. Sometimes, flying is the only solution one can think of to escape the perks of reality; burdens are under you, instead of being over you. That makes it a lot lighter, ain't it? And yeah, I so want to fly. And die. Oh God.

In reality, a person who's much more of a smartass is susceptible of acknowledging more of what he/she can't do, rather than those things that uses his/her brain cells. With this way, he/she will strive to be more with a good morale. See, if you can't acknowledge your zero-brain cells alter ego, you're just technically filled with pride and crap. And that sucks, obviously.

At the end of the day, the line that separates love and infatuation is non-existent, What simply matters is you're letting those butterflies fly in your stomach to your heart's content. Well, at least you're happy, right?

A letter to MYSELF
January 14, 2008
3:15 AM

Dear Lorainne,

God knows why you're still up in this early time of the day. You have two things to blame: yourself, and/or your groupmates. I know for sure that you'll choose your groupmates, but please. Stop being such a push-over already. For Christ's sake you weigh at least a ton right there, so stop acting so bullcrappy. Next time, learn how to tell people what they have to do. And yeah. Push 'em real hard, you fucking bouncer T-Pain aficionado you. And another thing, please get a goddamn life.

Love,
Oyen (your long-lost alter ego)

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I need to ignore some people.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

How I Loathe Thee

Why do people say that it’s the thought that counts all the time? It’s getting stupendously irritating when they would always blurt that out when you would give something so ugly to somebody (Ugly people deserve ugly gifts. That’s primary logic for you.).

When I was still in grade school, I gave my imperious classmate this butt-ugly keychain of a Disney character for Christmas. And by butt-ugly, I mean really fucking ugly. See, that Disney character is supposed to be Stitch of the movie Lilo and Stitch. And as it turned out to be divisoria’d, Stitch, who is naturally blue, became as yellow as a corn. His eyes that were supposed to be black became apple green, much to my surprise. What the hell. Somebody messed up the damn time machine again and brought some retro monster to the future.

And for sure, the stupid classmate cried (for reasons that I still have to know) and blabbed all about it to our adviser. The damn teacher called me to her table where my classmate who was crying as hell was hanging out. As I remember, this is how the conversation went:

Stupid Classmate: Ayan po o, miss! Niregaluhan po ako ng pekeng Stitch!
Me: Ulul!
Stupid Classmate: Ayan tignan nyo po o! Nagbabad-words! Ipakulong nyo na po!
Teacher: O tama na yan. Ikaw naman kase Ann,(Oh fuck my juvenile ego, alright. People back then used to call me my first name because my second name seems to be a little complex. Jesus. What is so difficult with pronouncing 2 goddamn syllables?) bakit naman nakakatakot na monster yung binigay mo?
Me: Eh yan lang po yung nakaya ng nanay ko bilhin eh. Sorry po. (This is truly a hoax. I gave my other classmates high-rolling gifts, and yeah. She deserved to get a 5-peso keychain of Stitch’s retro cuzzin.)
Teacher: Ah eh ganun naman pala eh. Pagbigyan mo na, iha. At least naalala ka nya, di ba? It’s the thought that counts naman eh.
Me: Oo nga naman.
Stupid Classmate: Hindi po totoo yun! Mayaman po yan eh! Wag po kayo maniwala dyan!

It was funny, really. That classmate never treated me the same way again. I gave her a loot bag full of crappy candies for our farewell party for her drastic change.

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A while ago while cleaning our classroom, I've realized how lucky I was, in terms of some behavioral and maturity aspect.

While I was fixing the things of my classmates, I arrived to a damn conclusion that I entered the wrong school for my high school education. Sure, the place is wonderful because of so many physical things; it has countless buildings, unlike that of my previous school, which only has a total of 5 (or 6, if you count the church nearby which we frequently used for different masses.) small and cheap-ass constructions. It provides quality education that can give those kids at science high schools a run for their money. It is known to be one those exclusive institutions that has a very high standard among its stockholders. And yeah, it is also an excellent foundation for kids of the middle to upper classes of the Philippine society.

It may appear to you that my school is everybody's dream school. I thought so too, but that was before I became an Environmental-Friendly Committee Chairman of my class. Before then, I thought that I was very much fortunate that my parents enrolled me to a school that makes my previous school a shithole.

Some people in my school just don't know how to clean their dirt. If I had a dollar for each wrapper of some food I picked up a while ago, I'd be filthy rich by now. All of that incongruity makes me ask myself if it's really THAT difficult to place that dirt in a trash can. Are their nerves swollen, or something? How about their fingers? Are those experiencing some muscular cramp like that of I would usually get during GIFT time? It makes me wonder why these people are susceptible of cleaning their body, and not their surroundings.

Much to their convenience, my classmates know that I have not been assigning cleaners for different parts of the classroom for the past few months. I mean, what the hell is the point of doing such if nobody will abide to it? That's the most stupid thing one can do, evidently. I know I may have not some golden ticket to top universities here in the metro, but I know for sure that making people clean in that way will never ever make them clean.

So what did I do instead?

Nothing, of course. I was their all-around cleaner for a small number of months; cleaning the washroom as good as I can, providing the trash can (which was stolen later on), erasing the board, sweeping fucking dirt on the floor, and arranging chairs. Oh sure, my job seemed to be so small to be acknowledged anyway. Even our adviser hardly reminds me to do my job. With this, I've come to a conclusion that I am, indeed, a pushover. How ironic for someone who has a bouncer-like build, huh?

With that, people would complain how dirty everything is. The washroom, the floor, the cabinet..the everything. And who are they to blame but me, right? I don't even have the right ro retort or whatsoever in the beginning. For a senior student, one can only normally juggle their way through graduation with only two things: college and school requirements. But I was juggling three; the aforementioned two, plus the dirty classroom. I have to do so many things, which is not really all that apparent from my juvenile blog posts. I did the whole chapter two and three and four of our thesis, and the juicy and crucial parts of our Physics investigatory project. Obviously, will you be able to clean the room by yourself with all of those goddamn things on your mind? I know I have my own committee, but it's as if they don't care anyway.

Mom told me that our room is dirty because I'm disorganized. Well, to everyone who thinks the same way as my mom, look at me. Seriously. Right now, I am still so stressed with all of those schoolworks I did. I have reasons, duh. I became more stressed a while ago as I've realized that people can be so physiologically immature about stuffs.

I'm not really fond of comparing stuffs because the mere action of it is puerile, but if you're in my shoes, it's quite inevitable to do so. In my previous school, people know how to clean. In fact, that's where I learned to sweep fabulously and consequently scoop dirt to the dust pan. It is also where I learned to scrub tiles make them white as hell. I can't believe my grade school made me more mature than my high school.

At the end of the day, it's not really where you study that matters. Instead, it all comes down to those people you are studying with. Neat buildings and a whopping tuition with people who cannot wipe their own asses is a joke compared to a cheap school with people who are able to not only wipe their own asses, but wipe other's asses' too.

(This long litany is caused by alcohol. All of this scum was brought to you by no more than Jack Daniel himself.)

Saturday, January 19, 2008

No Emo Shit

Today I've realized that I am so f-ing tired of things I am practically doing, if not everything. The stupid Talentfest sure made reality smack right into my face; I'm no swimmer, and I'll never ever be. This happens to be true because of two pseudo-related things. I'm fat, for crying out loud. Physics would explain this in four words: more mass, more inertia. Or if simply put into English, it means that there is a direct relationship between my mass, and my speed. And another thing, I'm very prone to my own death when I'm in the pool. This is caused by my bronchial spasms that occur when I'm extremely nervous or tired, and/or people who throw stuffs at you when you're being a damn pig by swimming so slow (well, sort of. ).

If those things are still not enough to drag me out of the pool, then I must be insane.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of logging in for my three email accounts, and hoping that there is a personal message from The Boy. I'm tired of pretending that everything's alright between me and my best friend. I'm tired of planning to diet, because none of those gets fulfilled anyway. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of getting mixed signals. I'm tired of my irritating classmate, Chelly Moseros. I'm tired of dreaming to be a smart person. I'm tired of doing our thesis by myself. I'm tired of thinking that I'll be that engineer I'm aspiring to be one day. I'm tired of swimming. I'm tired of listening to my bisexual-wannabe coach. I'm tired of pretending to be so interested in anything, at the very least. I'm tired of seeing my typographically-error-ed name in Pauliworld, that big time campus newspaper I was able to get into. I'm tired of hating that classmate who just intimidates me for her own fucking good.

I'm tired of blogging, because it's like having an imaginary friend or something. I talk and talk and talk and talk, but really, who am I even talking to in the very first place? My own soul is not even listening to my own thoughts anymore.

Sometimes, I decisively think of just quitting those shits I'm tired of. These things are not ideally important anyway. I mean, what's the point of holding on to something you're extremely suffering from? Unless you're a martyr, it's a given fact that you have to let go of things that wear the hell out of you.

If the fact that I've already committed 2 major offenses in school ever since the start of the classes a week ago is still not enough for you to know where my weariness can lead to, then you're heartless.


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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Spidey?

I have a life, and that life is filled with school problems, like the fact that we will have a quiz on momentum tomorrow (which of all topics I've advanced-studied in Physics, I don't really get the idea of this one at all.), and we have some swimming competition on Friday. But I don't quite get it why I'm blogging for two days in a row already, amidst my 'sort-of' busy schedule. I probably need to get another kind of life. Social, will work, actually.

Anyways, our English teacher was not around during fourth period. So, as always, we were given yet another cheesy seatwork that was concerned with that movie we had recently finished watching, which is Spiderman 2. We were to write a short paragraph consisting of 10-12 sentences, and four idiomatic expressions from some magazine, and yeah, it has to be about the movie, duh. I don't know what was wrong with me during fourth period, because I was hyperactive as hell. I kept belting out 80's hits (with dance), and God, were my seatmates annoyed or what. So there. I write good when I'm high with barbeque powder, probably, so here's the stupid paragraph I wrote for the seatwork.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm Spiderman. Well, not exactly. I feel a LOT like Spiderman. Like him, I only have one goal; to help my parents in providing my siblings their well-deserved fine education. Sure, Spiderman's goal is nowhere near mine, but if you come to think of it, we both want to help people. The villains are our last straw(in my case, it's not getting the right solution for stuffs). Our last ditch-efforts and last resorts for these annoyances that seriously got in our nerves are always systematic(although Mr. Spidey's flexibility can make me envy him to pieces, It's not MY fault I'm too fat to be injected with some spider saliva). And yeah, in the end, we would always have the last laugh. All of these similarities makes me ponder so much if I am Spiderman's fat twin or something. But then again, all of it boils down to the conclusion that when you have a good ambition to begin with, you WILL win in any step you take. But make sure it's good and systematic like ours, or else you will end up like that weird Dr, Octavius.

I know it sucks, but it has become so f-ing rare that I can think and write like this while I'm at school. Usually, my mind is always crammed with deadlines and friendship problems. But that was sure not that case today.

Anyways, I'm crossing my fingers for another day of extreme euphoria.

Oh, and by the way, we're going to move to a new 'mansion'(as my mom puts it into her own egotistical words) in March. Not that you need to know, or anything (well I told you I'm cocky.).

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I just don't get myself sometimes.

I have issues and...

crap. I lost it.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

It Sucks

Boy, whoever invented the word 'suck' deserves some yummy Pulitzer goodness. 'Sucks' pretty much describes everything and everyone that doesn't come close to your standards. Imagine, if we didn't have that word, everything would be so f-ing complex and philosophically deep.

On not passing the UPCAT..

W/o the 'golden word': I guess I did not meet the standards of the prestigious university.
With the 'golden word': I guess I suck.

See the enormous difference?

Anyway, you might ask why the hell I am blabbing about my favorite stereotype, which is the suckiness of everything. I don't have a clue neither. All I know is my cousin will be going to the same university that I will enroll in and..get this..we have the same damn course. I mean, how sucky is that? Here I am, dreaming to find my inner Engineer Gandhi with persons I barely know, and here comes some cousin from the province who hardly speaks Filipino. I want to die instead, thank you.

Since I'm utterly bored and in a constant refusal to sleep amidst the fact that I crammed my way into finishing the fourth chapter of our thesis by myself, I'm going to make a list of finishers for the title of this post.

IT SUCKS..

...to know that it's too damn late to study seriously anymore. Primarily because anything that has to do with the latter is not considered anymore. Seriously. Do you think that everyone will give an ass if you graduate from law school and med school a month before you die? Yeah, they will, if you have a guarantee that you'll be reincarnated, which is beyond possible.

...when people just cannot shut the hell up about what schools they were able to get into. I know for one that I am one of these uncivilized kinds, but at least I KNOW it. Whenever I get too cocky, I will admit it before you can even scratch your butt cheek. But oh, Jesus. Please forgive these bitches who cannot keep a low-profile for one day. I'm not going to call them attention whores or anything (because duh. I am one myself.). I'll just pray that they turn into farm animals one day. That'll be good.

...when your parents give you permission to do stuffs that are practically wrong in every sense, like getting a tattoo or drinking your brains out. I admit; (we ALL do)the only reason worth living for are those things that are restricted or something.

...when those dancing moms from Malaysia in Amazing Race Asia 2 get into Marc and Rovilson's way. God, they sure suck on their own. I don't even get it why two moms should form a partnership, if their expertise is only dancing. Why can't they just go on as 'friends', or lifetime partners? I would totally understand their lesbian case (well duh.). Their husbands won't, I'm afraid.

...when you feel so enthusiastic at the former part of a blog entry, then after a few words, you would feel lethargy creeping through your neurons. That's why it'll end in this way.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I Just Blogged 4

One thing that the school gave me that I benefited from is superbly the lethargy. My old sleeping habit's back, and there's no more reason for me to wake up so damn early then not go back to sleep till I come home from school. Yeah, you read that right. My eyes are finally tired from all those sleepless nights it went through the whole duration of the Christmas vacation.

But then again, I want my school sleepiness to just get the hell away and let me have an excuse to sleep through my subjects. I mean, we're barely 3 months away from graduation anyway. And I already have an unwanted school that I'll get dumped in next school year. Need I say more? I go to school not because I want to, but because of that stupid diploma that will serve as my one-way ticket out of my hellhole high school. So yeah. No more reason to listen to that old Mandarin teacher who've been blabbing about how we suck at Mandarin and because of it, we wouldn't be able to enter Ateneo or La Salle. Well think again, you conceited Chinese hag.

Exam results were..kinda okay. Turns out my original psychopathic solution for that word problem in the Physics exam that has to do with fucking asphalt roads (of ALL things). My Physics teacher even checked my immature solution that's nowhere to be found in that word problem page, but was thus written somewhere so nicely hidden. It was good, and irritating.

It's kinda funny how my life turns very similarly to that Physics shiznit. Not that you need to know, or anything. But it's weird how some hefty logical skill can pretty much change how things go. 6000 N is my original answer for the frictional force of the damn truck. But because I'm so logical, I settled for the fact that there was no frictional force indeed.

Wait. I'm not even allowed to say that here. Well, whatever.

--------------------------

Alyssa called to tell me that I did not pass the UPCAT.

What better way to get me started on doing the fourth chapter of our thesis. People should do that often. You know, crush your dreams before you do something important. It kinda helps, actually, minus that awkward moment when your mouth just quivers and you think silently ponder about it or something. But all in all, that technique is quite good.

My relatives are really insisting me to go the Ateneo and beg the director to reconsider my application. Don't they just get it? I don't belong somewhere so fancy-schmancy like that school. After molding up my emotions while they're all blabbing at me at the same time why I don't want to study there, I busted out of nowhere "WHAT THE HELL! I don't want to go to Ateneo, okay? You know, sometimes, I think that my brain is better off at somewhere like STI or AMA or whatever low-profile school you can think of. At least I will not have a hard time pretending to be someone I'm not. If it weren't for pride, then I would've considered not going to college anymore."

As of this writing, my dreams are now revised to the following format:

1. After the much-awaited graduation day, I will enroll myself in a swimming school. And maybe I will go back to doing runs on nice treadmills again, now that my favorite gym is now being relocated to a mall near our house. I am not doing this because I'm hungry for my personal trainer or whatnot, but because I weigh a ton and my chin has been reproducing itself quite a lot these days.

2. I have decided; I will enroll to DLSU for my freshmen year. After 3 semesters, I will thus transfer to that university where I think I belong. I will not tell what the fucking university is. You figure it out yourself.

3. I will leave this rotten house and go live in a dormitory/condominium near DLSU. I will have a bisexual rommate and I will not change my sexual orientation because of her.

4. I will not have a boyfriend because by then I will be too damn fat, I'll probably disown myself.

5. I will study very very very hard because I want to get into that university so badly. Maybe at this time, I am not deserving to enter its premises. But I'll make sure that after my freshmen year, they'll be the ones begging me to go there. You betcha.

The only sure thing in this list is number four, really. Besides the fact that I cannot see myself in any other university other than that school I so want to get into, my late-bloomer antics will probably take its toll again. But this time, it'll ruin my freshmen year, leading me to fail a lot of subjects. My fingers are sort of...crossed.


Sunday, January 06, 2008

REJECTED

Oh yes. You've probably though of the idea before. You know, me being all rejected from Ateneo and all. What's funny is this actually came true. So much for a public display of my damn pride.

I saw only one 'Paragas' from the posted list beside the Blue Eagle gym. Kismet really has its own way of making things more heartbreaking, isn't it? That one Paragas used to be my schoolmate and classmate way back grade school. And who am I to blame besides my unreliable brain anyway? Eula(that's her name), made it with a communication-something course I have no intention of knowing. Yeah well she's freakin' smart anyway. My grandfather would always compare me to her, and would always wonder why she's so intelligent and I'm..I'm..I'm a failure. I hate craps like that. I mean, she's not even probably my 8th degree cousin or something and people keep measuring our brains like we're Siamese twins (which is so fucking unlikely).

Well anyway, before I start ranting how happy I still am amidst the fact that I was not accepted in Ateneo, I will give you a word of warning. Whatever licking style you may do in every word I will say, you will not taste a tinge of sourgrape. I. Am. Not. Sourgraping. I've told you all people before that I do not like to study in Ateneo. I have my own reasons, which I will be elucidating later, and/or in the near future. Alright?

Personally, Ateneo de Manila University gives me a very concrete impression of what it really is. If you put it into words, it will all just contain..'hard to get'. Perhaps that is one of those perfect reasons why people are so desperate to go there. The ACET is difficult, the tuition is difficult, and probably the people there may also be difficult (in given situations, that is). Everything is difficult, unlike UP, UST, or La Salle. In the latter parts of the previous year, I've later on realized that getting in a perfect college like Ateneo will make me, hence the coined term, perfect. So as to say, I became very interested in getting in the perfect university. Dad didn't made it there, so I was hoping I can relive his dream. Not for me, not for my friends, but for my father.

After making it in Mapua, I then pondered on the reason for why the hell do I want to go there anyway. For myself to be a perfect engineer/physicist? For my dad to brag about it to his officemates? For everyone to be proud of a big slob like me? If that's the case, then I think I'm missing the whole point of college, which is still education. Will Ateneo even help me find out who I really am (with its socially-clad and upper-class students? Heh. I don't really think so.), and what I am destined to be? At this point, you are probably thinking that I should like, go to a mental institution or some convent with this soul-searching thing I have. Well, you're probably right. I'll think about it.

At the end of the day, your choice of school does not really matter. So what if you did not pass their test? You've probably been dreaming for Ateneo or La Salle or whatever school all your freakin' life. Not being able to be accepted is an ass, I know. But it makes all things clear that it is not in God's will that you really go there. Maybe, just maybe, Ateneo will not make me the person I want to be (because after all, engineering is not really one of their fortes); A fucking Z-list engineer. Ooh. Sounds nice.

God does not want me to suffer the extreme consequences of not being able to stand up for myself in a school that does not only test your brains, or your parent's wallet. I know he wants me to go to a school where I can shine and show people that I can be Eula. He wants me to go somewhere my personality is best suited for. He wants me to go to..UP?

Ha. Yeah-freakin-right. I think I belong there, really.

But if all else fails, I think I'll just go to DLSU, where most of my friends are. At least I'll have someone to talk to in my first day, and not experience the trauma of being a first-day-till-last-day loner. Although I am indeed an introvert, I'm still a blabbermouth. I can't stop talking for at least half an hour.

It's funny and stupendous how people are more surprised and disappointed that you didn't pass, rather than them thinking that you deserve it(to be rejected) because you're not really that smart anyway. I like that crap.

Congratulations to all those who passed! You guys truly deserve it. And for those who didn't make it like yours truly, we can still transfer next year, hopefully.

Oh and by the way, if ever I pass UP-Diliman, all of you are invited to my 3-day booze extravaganza, which will be held at our street park. We will be drinking non-stop for three fucking days! Damn. That'll be good.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Potential School Number 2



I uhh..passed?

Not that I did not like it, or something. It's just that my reaction wasn't as ecstatic as it was when I passed that entrance examination for Mapua. Jesus. I laughed like a megalomaniac the minute that webpage from heaven landed right on monitor. The first cut really is the deepest, and up to this point, I'm still considering Mapua. I must be crazy(well, what the hell is new nowadays anyway? The next thing you might probably know is I'm getting it on with King Kong or my bathroom door.)

Another reason why this isn't much of a big deal is the whole household's response to the not-so-new news. For the first exam that I was able to pass, I actually called all the people living under our roof to go and see for themselves why I was screaming like hell. Being the apathetic that they all are, they just shrugged it off and didn't even congratulate me. Now for passing the DLSU-CET, I even thanked myself for not blurting anything concerned about this to any of my sibling and my mom. My mom 'accidentally' clicked the screenshot that I saved at the desktop and God have mercy on my mom and look at what she said:

Mom: Oh. You passed La Salle.
Me: Um. I guess.
Mom: So that means you have to go there by yourself now.

Now first of all, that's the most blurred-out sentence I've ever heard. I mean, why will I even go there in the first place anyway? Unless I decide to study there, which is nowhere to be found in my to-do list. Secondly, why is she being so apathetic and not even bothering to congratulate me? Oh sure. The daughter her friend's friend who took the exam 2 years ago probably made it look like as easy as wiping someone's shit-filled ass. But please. I know it was that easy and all, but can she just be at least happy that I used all of my brain cells just so I can pass that crap? Damn.

I emailed my dad the same screen shot above exactly ten hours after I saw it in the first time. His reaction made my day.

Dad: Yahoo!!!!! congrats..believe na talaga ako sa iyo :)

See, that's why I like my dad. I know he has bazillions of dollars hidden under his bed up there in Europe that can easily get me into an Ivy of my choice, but he doesn't want to because he is selfish and phony in that way. But at least he's being so supportive of me. I'll probably end up like him when I grow up. You know, be a computer engineer and a European gigolo at the same time. Sweet.

I'm still not enthused. Nevertheless, I'm still thankful that I got myself a second potential school for my collegiate education in five months' time.

ACET results will be out on Saturday, and my fingers are so crossed.

Anyways, congratulations to all those who passed the DLSU-CET too. Animo La Salle, anyone?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Last Call

Jake Lopez.
I can't believe his show is over, and I will not be hearing that ultra-macho and sexy voice filled with sarcasm on my way to school anymore.
I fell in love with a DJ.
Yeah. I did.
I don't know why there is a 1.0 spacing between my sentences.
All I know is, I love Jake Lopez.

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One weird thing that I felt on this last day of the year 2007 is..sadness. It's not my fault. Chico and Delamar actually started it by having the top 10 in that way. I think Santa's the real culprit this time.

Yeah well anyways, 2007 was nevertheless a very good year for me. Although I was not able to do something oh-so significant (unlike that swimming shit last year, wherein I bagged that silver medal just for practically showing up. Not. It's the same idea anyway.), I had at least made something that proved my significant to other people. Like that time when I was so full of doubt that I will not pass the school paper, but ended up actually attending that first meeting. I know quitting it is just the most dumb thing ever, considering that getting into a high-rolling campus newspaper is kinda challenging. But I have my own reasons why I did so. And besides, I don't belong there anyway. I hardly speak perfect English, and my sarcasm is a no-match for their brains.

2007 was thus a year of maturity. Through those efforts that I have put just so I can abide by my own resolutions, I met people who made me think that I'm great as I am; that I don't need to fluctuate badly so my friends would appreciate me more, I don't need to have someone to make me feel better every single time someone would mistake me for a roasted pig, or a big blob of fat, and finally, I don't need to commit suicide just for my own emotional stresses to fuck off. In a more concrete way, nobody or nothing can ever, ever, ever put me down. It's either I die the way Bhutto did, or I'm just tad hungry. That and other superficial shit.

Looking at those countless blog entries I have made for 2007, I have then realized how I was able to evolve through INTROVERSION. I know this sounds so stupid, but my online sanctuary did not only improve my grammatical craps, but it made me a lot like Gandhi. Not of course with those hunger strikes he had (because I highly doubt that I'll even last an hour without eating anything), but how we understood people just by fighting for their rights. That fighting for their rights thing is sort of a gray area, I think. But hence through posting my everyday experiences, I have learned to be more observant and giving at the same time. I have probably blurted out bazillion times before that I'm the best apathetic this world will ever have, but it all changed as I come to think of it.

My last year in high school geared me much more to be the fighter God apparently destined me to be. I may not have a sexy booty like Wonder Woman, or a body so fit it can curl itself into a cocoon instantly. I may not have an award people can thus use to judge my susceptibilities (e.g. that f-ing academic award, or some medal bagged at a high-top swimming competition), or a brain that can be used to make major breakthroughs in different fields. I may not have that tantalizing face people can easily gape at, or clean nostrils (You guessed it right. I can't think of anything else.)

Do you know what I have?

(Oh. I can't believe I'm saying this.)

Well I guess I have a heart to begin with. And deep concerns for all people I know. I treat everyone as a friend, and I can never ever deprive them in one way or another. Those may not be as important as you may think, but in my conscientious opinion, those are two major things one must have to achieve that feeling of contentment. or be the next Dalai Lama or something.

How can you not trust somebody who takes more care of her gadgets than herself?(This is sarcastic, by the way. Jesus. I'm already stressing the obvious.)

So now, I present you:

Lorainne's New Year Resolution for 2008

(My alter ego is the one speaking to me, if it's not that evident enough.)

1. Do a damn cold turkey regarding your Coke addiction. You don't want to freak everyone in college with that humongous pot belly you have. Maternity pants cost a lot, and they aren't really fashionable (or even suitable) for a girl your age. Try drinking that Harvey Fresh apple juice that's been in the pantry for the longest time ever instead. Or try drinking Harvey himself. You've always thought he was a catch. With that slinky straw hat and seductive smile, nobody can ever mistake that kid for being a hillbilly. Except of course if you look down a bit lower and see what he's NOT wearing.

2. Spend less time on Bill Gates' rip-off.(PC, hello. Bullcrap. Don't pretend he didn't copy Jobs' binary codes just so he can have his own empire. Shame. He even copied Stephen Hawking's face. I will not be surprised if he has Beyonce's ass, or Angelina's lips.) The world is an enormous mall, and you really have to see it all for yourself. Through these outdoor thingamajigs, you can probably like, get to know someone who is exactly like you. You know, fat and conceited. With pubic hairs sticking out above her head, and with a face so ghastly it's hard to determine if she really is therefore part of the human race. And you can later on find out that you are just standing in front of a big mirror in India. Jesus.

3. Stop being such an agnostic BS. There is a God, and you simply know it. You've been studying in a catholic educational institution all your life, and doubting who you think gave you life is simply wrong. Angels and Demons is fictional, for Christ's sake. Tim Berners-Lee and Robert Cailliau surely did not just invented the internet on their own. God probably kicked their asses before they actually reached the completion. For what it's worth, it will not really hurt you to just be a little bit faithful to someone who gave you everything.

4. Cut down the fat, kiddo. One more bag of Cheetos and I'm sure as hell some sumo wrestling agency in Japan will talk you into being their next big fish. Or pig.

5. Stop making expectations already and learn from you past mistakes that has to do with expecting stuffs. Oh. Let me revise the idea of that. Stop making good expectations, and rather focus on how bad things will go. By that, you will then not be hurt is something did not turn out good in the end, or be so stupendously happy that things ended up you didn't they would be. It's some sort of reverse psychology or something.

6. Don't ever ever consider picking up that cancer stick. You are already suffering from bronchial spasms, hello. Smoking will make your breathing worse, and thus will lead you to your extreme ugliness. You don't need to smoke when your Jobs products got your back.

7. No matter how things get so..fugly, never think that your blog sucks because nobody reads it. Like hell you care, right? You only write here because you are so stressed out, and you don't really like admitting nor showing it to people. You don't want them to think that you are such a damn failure because obviously, you're not. What better way to show your predicaments than through your blog anyway? Your madness or hunger for something is expressed through words, not through actions or facial expressions as per usual.

8. Can you be a little bit more...oh I don't know..meek? You are so f-ing cocky already. It's as if you even have something that makes sense that you should be proud of to begin with.

9. Get a tattoo.

10. Be a goddamn girl. And by that, I mean dressing and acting like one. Thinking like a boy is actually a necessity for an aspiring engineer like you, but don't you think being a boy all throughout is kinda going overboard already? You can wear girly clothes, and surprise everyone with your boyish mind. You like surprises anyway.

11. Let the inevitable flow.



And there you have it.

Damn. I miss Jake.

Happy New Year everyone!